Missing? Missing what? Whom are you missing?  Stop a minute and take inventory of something or someone you might be missing.  Perhaps it was some fun you had and you long to return to that event and experience it again.   Perhaps it something you still miss and long for.  I reflected on this thought for a moment and came up with a couple of things. Things I missed in West Texas when we moved to live with my grandmother here in Central Texas.  Things like lying outside and watching the clouds move across the sky as I identified all kinds of different designs, shapes and animals, riding my bike for hours, and playing till my heart's content. At my grandmother’s house I would pack lunch and not return till dusk.  I loved being outdoors. Then we moved to Lampasas beginning my Freshman year and I lived there until I married in December 1969.  That was an exciting time.  There was more drama in that event than anyone needed. Regardless, after we married, we moved to Round Rock and set up shop and started a family.  My husband was a 100% disabled Vietnam Veteran wounded by friendly fire and I was 17.  We thought we knew what we were doing. Trust me—we didn’t!
       
               We struggled to make this little thing called marriage work.  Indeed, it was more difficult than we could have ever imagined. Growing up two emotionally healthy adults is harder than having a baby! Trust me!  I know!

                I wasn’t sure we were going to make it.  We missed the warning sign, “Bridge out Ahead!”  We attempted everything possible to hang on, but we just about killed each other.  It’s a long story and you will have to catch the in between happenings in a book I’m writing. Suffice to say, God was good—He always is, and He was working behind the scenes when we were unaware.  We made it!  We really did make it!  We figured out what God meant marriage to be this side of heaven by God’s immeasurable grace.  Thank you, Jesus. Bu the way, if you are in a marriage storm —there is a way out!

                We were married 36 years, had two sons, and five grandchildren before God changed Gene’s address to, “Mansion in the Sky.”  I was broken-hearted to say he least.  I had never lived by myself, and coming home alone for the first time was beyond excruciating.

                One morning I was lying in bed not wanting to get up, crying my eyes out and asking God why He had to take him. My heart was hurting. I was telling God and Gene how much I missed him.  When right in the midst of the tears and pain, I suddenly hear God say—Carol, did you know that I miss you like that when you don’t come see me!  You are my bride, and when you don’t come to see me, I’m sad and my heart hurts too!

                Suddenly, God had my attention.  I was listening. I suddenly changed my focus; although, the tears didn’t stop.  Now, my heart was sad for a different reason. I realized I had grieved my heavenly Bridegroom, the lover of my soul and my Savior. 

                “I’m so sorry…I didn’t realize…I do love you and I do want to spend time with you.  Will you please forgive me; I’ll do better!"

                Do you get so caught up in life that you think you don’t have time to pause, and speak to your heavenly Bridegroom?  He is sitting, watching and waiting for you to come sit with him. 

               You think about that!

 Marriage:
      Is a beautiful ceremony - they all are. Not all stay beautiful, but they were Intended to and can.
Marriage:
      Is a happy occasion - they all are. It Is the living together afterward that's difficult.
Your Marriage:
     Will be tested daily by the trials of everyday life, but also by your adversary the devil, who seeks to destroy       God's greatest creation and His Greatest union.  He will succeed unless you are diligent to tend  your                 garden of love.  Weeds always choke out tender, delicate flowers.
Marriage is:
    Giving of your time talents and efforts - 100% to better the whole, whether you feel like it or not.
Marriage is:
     A divine conspiracy -- God lures us with love, sex and loneliness, creating a perfect storm. Linking us up             with someone totally opposite, forcing us to see life from a different perspective, through different lens.           Allow your differences to draw you to one another, rather than divide .
Marriage is:
     Forgiving the unintentional and the Intentional. Never allowing one to give all or take all. There Is no place       for pride or selfishness.
Do Not:
     Be conformed in your thinking to an earthly marriage, but be transformed in your thinking so you can               create the marriage God intended. It is possible.
Do Not:
     Settle for second best. Get determined to strive for God's best - God's way. He's already given you all you         need by His Spirit. If you will dig for the treasure in your own heart first - you will find treasure In your               spouse's heart.
D0 Not:
     Think more highly of yourself, nor do not think less of yourself than you ought, but use sober judgment in        accordance with the measure of faith given you by God.
Do Not:
      Let any unwholesome words escape your lips, looking out for the interests of your spouse, not Just your          own.
Do:
      Speak the truth In love. God chose your spouse as the mirror He will use to allow you, to see you! If you            are willing to look. Don't expect your spouse to meet all your needs -- they can't.
Do:
      Submit one to another - to achieve the same goals corporately not singularly. Allow your differences to            compliment your union. You can't score in the end zone. God wants you doing life on the 50. Your                    perception isn't always truth. Get a life! Marriage is a divine dance. Don't automatically assume your                  partner is out of sync. It might be you!
​Do:
      Get the boulder out of your own eye first, before you attempt to get the pebble in your spouse's                        eye.  God is the God of your spouse; and he does not need your help .
​The flower that fades -- crumbles:
       Always consider your love as the most delicate and priceless flower ever created. Cherish and nurture               your spouse as such. Handle with care and your reward will be great beyond measure. God never                       intended your spouse to meet all of your emotional needs, that's His job.
A Good Marriage:
      is achieved only as you order your priorities. Dance with Jesus first, then dancing with your spouse will be          easier. Pull together, not apart, being of the same mind, letting go and holding on with balanced tension          that allows open, equal and honest love to flow freely.  Pressure to conform is unattractive, and so is                neediness. Fill your own emotional cup first, then what your spouse gives you is the whip cream on the            chocolate. Freely give expecting nothing in return.
​Beyond the Seen:
      Is something unseen. Actively participate in expressing love not only In word, but in deed, in the visible              realm, and the unseen will unfold into a beautiful flower that everyone will stop to admire. You and others        will be blessed, and God will be glorified.

Written by the Holy Spirit
Penned by Carol Greenberg
March 13, 2003

What is a STEALTH LAUNCH DAY?  I had a dream back when I was about 11 years old to write a book. This dream began as a seed planted in my heart, unbeknownst to me, by God at my Maternal Grandmother’s home on summer visits.  I sat in her home and practiced writing thoughts and dreams as I just wanted to write; it never went away.
I made another decision in the spring of 2019 to give myself a 50th wedding anniversary gift.  Originally my plan was to go on a trip for “us,” since my husband loved doing that, even if this one would be by myself; however, I changed gears and decided to give myself the gift of writing a book instead.  It has happened, finally.  There have been starts and stops for a few years all along the way for many reasons, but God kept using people to push me forward. 
One person who wrote an endorsement, Rick Reynolds, asked me, “Why would you not tell this story?”  People have been where you are and they need to know God is in the middle of their story orchestrating events as only He can do, just like he was for you and Gene, and they need encouragement to stay the course.  The starting and stopping cycle continued repeatedly as I tried to make sure I really did hear God correctly, as I continued to check my motive for writing this.  I even decided against it altogether, at one point, but God continued to speak loud and clear through others who encouraged me to stay the course, and then through His own voice He continued to push me forward, particularly in those times where I was sure I did NOT need to do this.
I have agonized over delivering this “baby.”  It has been in the birthing canal for a long time and was almost aborted several times.  It is one thing to write a story about your life, but it’s another to open up, “experience the trauma of transparency,” and unzip all the places I said I would never divulge.  Again, this is where God insisted, for many reasons.
God is the God of all glory, and redemption, and this is really His story of redemption. I see clients everyday with all the same struggles Gene and I went through.  I’m not sure this is fair, but I think his Vietnam trauma along with his 100% disability seriously complicated everything; not withstanding my own emotional immaturity, and all the other ingredients that played into the difficulties.
It is reported that Vietnam Veterans experienced:

•  Higher divorce rates than many other Veteran groups.
  
• Social stigma and lack of support.
• Challenges with their identity since they came home without the respect they deserved as they attempted reintegration into civilian life, add a disability, and it all exponentially increases.
• Many Vietnam veterans, experienced challenges with PTSD impacting their marriages, as do all Veterans.  Unfortunately, no one knew anything about PTSD back then.  Fortunately, Veterans today have better access to mental health.
• The suicide rate for Veterans was the 12th leading cause of death in 2022 and the second leading cause of death for Veterans 45 years old.  

The guys who put their lives on the line to serve and protect us, who journeyed this difficult and painful road say, that unless you have experienced their journey, it is hard to understand and it was particularly painful for Vietnam Veterans since they were so disrespected when they returned.  This was the reason Gene never spoke to anyone about his painful journey, as he stated, “No one could possibly understand any of what we experienced.”
            For all the above reasons is why I was pressed forward to write.  But beyond that, all couples struggle with all the same issues.  God created marriage not to make you happy, but to make you holy.  Happiness is a by-product of doing marriage God’s way. We keep thinking that it is the “other person” that needs to change —News Flash—it is, but not necessarily. Most often the mountain that needs to be removed is inside our own heart.
“You hypocrite! Get the log out of your own eye, then maybe you can see clearly to get the speck out of your brother’s eye. —Matthew 7:5
            So, this “baby” has had an up and down struggle to see the light of day for a long time, and I just sent it off to be formatted this week.  As I did that, I experienced a wave nervous energy!  OH, MY, IT’S OUT!  Then another wave of relief!  “IT IS DONE! WHEW!
            There are a few more steps to go through.  It is now being formatted, then I will receive a sample copy to confirm all is in order and then I can offer it to others to read at a very reduced rate…as I understand it.  It will be very cheaply priced on my Amazon book page and I need lots of—seriously—lots of people to read it and write a review.  This gives it status and the more people who notice it, will hopefully be enticed to purchase it. 
Becoming an Amazon best seller looks like this:

• An Amazon bestseller is a product that ranks highly in sales within a specific category on Amazon within a certain time frame.

• The ranking is updated hourly based on sales data, reflecting real-time popularity.
• Bestsellers are often highlighted on Amazon's Best Seller’s page, making them more visible to shoppers.
• Products can achieve bestseller status due to high sales volume, positive reviews, and customer demand.
• Being a bestseller can enhance a product's credibility and attract more buyers.

 
That’s about it.  Stay tuned for the Stealth Launch Week where you will get more information on how to purchase the book and leave an Amazon Review within the timeframe that counts, because outside of that timeframe it is less effective for getting the book out and sold for a good Amazon review.
Stay tuned and thank you in advance.

         Dr. Henry Cloud wrote a book entitled "Integrity." Let's examine what he says about integrity.
We all have a general idea of what integrity means. Typically, it is doing what you say you will do when you say you will do it, in addition to having strong moral convictions and follow through so that your actions match what you say. Your words and your actions are integrated…working together. The dictionary defines integrity as the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, moral uprightness, or the state of being whole and integrated. 
        In returning to our third-grade math class we learned that an integer is a whole number, versus a fraction, a part of a whole. So, if you are integrated you are operating out of both sides of your brain.  You are operating from your “whole self.” Many of us will typically use one side of our brain far more than the other.  The left side is database informational processing, 1, 2, 3, 2+2, past present future, etc. This is where we make sense of our world asking the "why" question and looking for an answer to that question.  The right side of your brain is more intuitive.  It is the side where you emotionally connect with others.  The left brain tells you facts about someone but your right brain connects with them on a different level, an emotional level, a personal level.  This is understanding them, showing empathy, validating their perspective and connecting emotionally so the other person feels heard, rather than being dismissed.  When we respond to someone with a solution to their problem, they will typically not feel heard and validated.  Likewise when we defend our actions, once again we are not operating from a position of integration (both sides of our brain are involved in the exchange).
            Dr. Cloud goes a bit deeper in defining integrity.  The brain is divided into two sides and those sides must communicate with one another, be integrated.  That is the job of the Corpus Callosum, a thick band of nerve fibers in the center of the brain.   In addition to allowing us to perceive depth, it also facilitates the transfer of motor, sensory, and cognitive information between the two hemispheres.  This structure is so named from Latin word meaning "tough body."  It is the largest white matter structure both in terms of size and the number of axonal projections between the two hemispheres.  White matter means neural networks covered in a myelinated sheath which allows for ultra-fast processing. Myelination is the process of coating neurons with myelin, the insulation that helps the transfer of information between neurons.  God designed our brains to work together. That is integration, using both sides of our brain to make wise decisions, think clearly, and have emotions that connect with what we are seeing, and thinking about. It is paying attention to what is going on in the left linear thinking brain, but feeling the emotions that go with the event and healthily processing them.
            So, from the word integrity, we get whole or integrated.  He writes that integrity is thus the ability to bring our whole selves to bear upon life's challenges. It is the courage to face the demands of reality.  This is the ability to bring all of us, our whole self to life's circumstances and make decisions based on the integration of our left thinking brain and our right feeling brain, not making decisions using thinking and logic only, nor making decisions from emotions.  Integration is bringing all aspects of our character to make a whole person, one that is "altogether,"  both sides of our brain working together, functioning together. When we focus on our career, without the same attention to our spiritual growth, we are not integrated.  For example if we focus on taking care of one part of our body—exercise, but we fail to eat correctly, the whole body will suffer. One part of our life shrivels while we focus on another aspect and lopsided growth occurs which is a symptom of some aspect of disintegration.  The integrated person has the same drive and hunger in all aspects of life.  Looking a little closer and analyzing the tendency to say "yes" when we mean "no," shows a lack in integrity.  Saying "yes," and then not following through on our agreement is not walking in integrity.  If we speak to appease and then do not follow through—is again, no integrity. This can be difficult because sometimes we certainly intend to follow through, but then lack of commitment, gives way to emotional thinking no follow through. 
      Obviously different personalities have different strengths. If someone is attentive to structure, following the rules, and is rigid in their thinking they will likely need to pay more attention to their feelings.  Someone else may be less rigid and lean more toward spontaneity, operating from their emotions.  One person lets their thinking be in charge to a fault and the other allows their emotions to run the show.   Both of these personalities are not operating out of an integrated brain.  Are you able to bring your whole, and complete integrated self to face the reality of your circumstances and embrace it with faith and trust that you will make it through this event exercising integrity?  You are not discounting your feelings, but balancing your feelings with correct cognitive thinking.  This is bringing both feelings/emotions coupled with correct logical thinking to bear on the situation and face the reality of life's demands, whole-heartedly, and integrated with both sides of your brain, emotion, and reasoning to make wise decisions for the best possible outcome. 

BE A PERSON OF INTEGRITY BY DOING WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO, WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL DO IT.

Humility is one of the most important attitudes in emotional maturity, spiritual life, and healthy relationships. It’s also one of the most misunderstood attitudes.

Growing up in Trauma and messages that shamed, silenced confused us—makes humility very difficult, and chances are we’ve developed some distorted ideas about what it means to be humble.
Let’s clear something up right away:
Humility is not shame. It’s not putting yourself down, denying your needs or erasing your voice.
True humility is seeing yourself accurately—as no more and no less valuable than anyone else. It means recognizing your worth, your limitations, your strengths and your place among others. It’s grounded, honest and deeply respectful of both yourself and others.
However, false messages we receive from imperfect parents, our culture, and/or our church can easily twist that. We might have been taught things like:

• "Pride comes before a fall." This is true and it was Peter's demise since he believed he was capable in his own strength.
• "Boasting is evil." Boasting is just what it says...boasting...which may have been in Peter's statement that he would follow Jesus to the death if need be.
• "Don't think too highly of yourself." I think we all do this at times since we may be trying to convince ourselves or someone else.  Paul tells us..."For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."  Receive the grace God has given.
  
• "Live for God. Die to yourself." This is also a true statement but when we do not understand the concept of yielding our whole heart to Jesus, and the reason for that, it does become confusing.

These phrases are true when used in the right context and rightly understood—but for many survivors of trauma, they’ve been weaponized. Instead of fostering humility, they’ve fostered silence, fear, and shame.
TRAUMA AND HUMILITY
Trauma teaches us that the world isn’t safe. It tells us that in order to survive, we either need to control everything (a form of pride) or disappear completely (a form of shame). Both extremes are survival strategies—not true humility.
See if any of these resonate:

• Saying "I'm fine" even when you're not.
• Letting others take advantage of you to keep the peace and avoid conflict.
• Suppressing your emotions and never asking for help.
• Believing that having needs is a sign of weakness.
• Hiding or feeling ashamed of your accomplishments or gifts.

These are not signs of humility. They are signs of fear. True humility is not about disappearing, becoming invisible…it’s about showing up as we are—imperfect, honest, and willing to grow—and being okay with that.
HEALTHY HUMILITY
Let’s take a look at twelve aspects of healthy humility:

1. Seeing ourselves and life accurately in relation to God, ourselves and others.
2. Seeing ourselves as equal to others. It’s not about being better-than, less-than or needing to “prove ourselves”, but accepting ourselves for who we are. 
3. Respecting ourselves. Being humble does not mean being used or a doormat. Humility sets healthy boundaries, speaks up when mistreated and expects mutual respect. It values dignity in every relationship. It is standing in the middle ground...Assertiveness. Assertiveness values yourself, your opinions, but it also values the other person's opinion. Not being passive, nor being aggressive, but speaking the truth in love.
   
   Note: Some people have been taught that “submission” means allowing others to control them. True submission assumes both people are honouring each other. One-sided submission is not humility—it’s harm. We are told in Ephesians 5:21, "Submit one to another."
   
4. Being teachable. Humility is open to correction, even from people we don’t like or agree with. It asks questions, admits when it doesn’t know, and reaches out for help without shame. It is an emotionally healthy stance that wants to grow and is willing to hear the truth about the shadow side of ourselves.
   
5. Admitting wrong. Humility apologizes without excuses. It doesn’t shift blame or minimize harm. It’s willing to say, “I was wrong,” and then take steps to offer reparations and to heal heart wounds.
6. Accepting our weaknesses. Humility is able to be genuine and doesn’t hide behind masks. It doesn’t compare itself to others or beat itself up for being broken. Humility owns failure, learns from it, makes amends, and forgives self.
7. Accepting others. Humility makes space for others to be imperfect too. It’s patient with mess, noise, emotions and delays. Pride says, “You’re ruining my day.” Humility says, “You matter too, how can we fix this.  It is a "win-win" mindset. (See Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
8. Celebrating others’ strengths. Humility doesn’t feel threatened when others succeed. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves:
   1. How do I respond when others get more praise than I do?
   2. Do I become critical of my competition or can I appreciate their gifts and strengths?
9. Realizing we are not self-sufficient. Humility knows no one can meet all their own needs. It receives gifts or help without guilt, knowing that being human means needing others. It says, “Thank you,” not, “Now I owe you.”
10. Willing to serve. Humility helps without needing recognition. Pride serves to make one feel important. Codependency serves to earn love. Humility gives without strings or hidden motives, expecting nothing in return (Luke 6:35).
    
11. Not bragging or always needing to look good. Humility is about being genuine, not about keeping up an “image”. It’s willing to laugh about its own quirks and doesn’t fish for compliments by putting itself down (a subtle form of pride). 
    
12. Having an attitude of gratefulness. Humility is rooted in gratitude, not entitlement. It doesn’t say, “You owe me.” It says, “I’m thankful.”

PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF HUMILITY
Practicing humility isn’t always about grand gestures. It's usually about small, daily choices that you make, over and over:

• You forget an appointment or make a mistake at work. Shame says, “I'm a failure.” Humility says, “I messed up and that’s okay. I’ll make it right and learn from it.”
• Your partner has different needs than you. Pride demands control. Humility negotiates and listens, aiming to meet both of your needs.
• You feel overwhelmed or anxious and can’t keep up with everything. Pride says, “I should be able to handle this on my own.” Humility says, “I’m human. I need rest and support like everyone else.”
• Pride says, “I’ve messed up big time, and I don’t deserve forgiveness.” Humility says, “God’s grace is bigger than my failure and I choose to receive this gift.”
  

HUMILITY IS A CHOICE
                Coming from Trauma of any kind, humility is scary, but Complex Trauma, even more so. It can feel like weakness and raise deep fears that our needs won’t be met, that we will be hurt if we show our true selves. However, we can’t heal without humility, nor can we grow up emotionally. It allows us to feel safe through being seen, loved, and known for who we really are.
Pride promises protection. It says, “If I stay in control, if I never show the real me, no one can hurt me.” However, it is a lie and leaves us isolated, exhausted, and emotionally numb. It's not safe because we always have to hide. And that in and of itself will cause more pain because that is not how God created us to function in this world…alone.  He said when he created Adam…”It is not good that man should be alone.”
 
                Here’s the key: humility is not necessarily a feeling—it’s a choice.
You may not feel valuable, but you can choose to believe and act like you are. You may not feel humble when you choose to be honest. It may feel strange the first time you choose to accept yourself or celebrate a win. 
 
                You might actually feel more frustrated, triggered, or anxious than anything else, at least at first. Growth always involves a learning curve…always.  Coming from Complex Trauma, having those feelings around humility and showing our true selves is normal and has been your young child’s adaptive way of protecting yourself in a dangerous world.
                Acknowledge those thoughts and feelings without judgment, but don't stay stuck there. Write them down unfiltered and think about how to take small steps forward. Choose to take steps toward humility: show a bit more of your real self; reach out for help; write down one or two small things you’re grateful for. 
 GOD REACHES FOR THE HUMBLE
                In the Christmas story, the angels didn’t announce Jesus’ birth to kings, scholars or priests. They appeared to shepherds—men seen as dirty, low-class, and unclean at this time in Jewish history. God invited shepherds to be the first visitors to the newborn king.
                Why? Because God doesn’t care about status. God looks at the heart. He draws near to those who feel small, left out, or unworthy. Not to shame them—but to show that they belong.
                He doesn’t expect us to “fix ourselves” before we come to him. He doesn’t expect us to have our act together or have all the “right emotions”. He meets us where we are and helps to grow us up.
                You don’t need to prove yourself to be worth loving. You already are.
                Learning to walk in humility—slowly, gently, imperfectly—is making small choices to step into emotional growth and maturity and is one of the bravest steps toward healing that you can take.
“The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, that he may support those whose heart is completely his.” 2 Chronicles 16:9...
CHOOSE LIFE!

There is a common misunderstanding regarding what it is to have a “responsible relationship” with someone. Indeed, there is a fundamental difference between being responsible to someone vs. versus responsible for someone (assuming responsibility for them their actions and emotions).

When we take responsibility for someone else’s life, we typically assume the emotional or financial baggage they carry or in this case are not carrying. Taking on such extra weight can consume our time, money, and emotional energy and lead to self-neglect, self-abandonment, frustration, and low self-esteem in ourselves and in the other person.

Honoring our commitments and responsibilities is part of what it is to be a true grown-up, being emotionally mature. Being consciously responsible to ourselves and others means doing what we say we will do; by showing up on time, telling the truth, finishing our assignments, and providing for ourselves and giving our best to the task at hand, and owning our mistakes when we fail to act emotionally mature.

It can be challenging however, when we see a family member or close friend needing help, especially if we are in a position to give it; we may feel obligated for many reasons. In that moment it is important to ask, “Am I giving from a place of guilt or pity or am I trying to feel better about me and/or avoid conflict or disaster. Is what I offer truly helpful or does my “help” reinforce their idea of themselves as being helpless and incapable? There is the possibility that we are contributing to something that our culture dishes out subtly…entitlement. Someone owes me something.

Helping someone out of a predicament or two when they are in need can be a charitable deed. However, falling into a habit of paying their bills, repeatedly coming to their rescue, or making excuses for their poor choices is not good for them or us. When we continuously play the part of Rescuer to Victim, we are not truly helping - as a matter of fact it often results in causing more harm than good, by reinforcing a sense of helpless, hopelessness and entitlement in them.

Instead of empowering them to believe in their own capability to handle life, we render them dependent and incompetent. True support comes from allowing our friends and loved ones especially to experience the consequences of their choices; whatever they are. Maturity comes from learning from our own painful past and allowing others the same privilege. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones is to get out of God’s way and allow Him to get their attention to change their lackadaisical and/or bad choices and handle their own life challenges.

Let's look at some examples of the language we use as Rescuers on the Victim Triangle:
The Rescuer Says, or at least thinks….
·       "Perhaps they can't handle it. I will need to help."
·       "There could be irreparable damage if I do not step in.”
·       “She/he is sick, too fragile physically, emotionally; I must help.”

We are most respectful when we refuse to treat our loved ones as if they can't handle life.

Healthy Messages to Send:
·       "How you handle your life and the decisions you make is your business, not mine."
·       "I trust your process and God’s process in you and your ability. I believe you can do it.”
·       "I love watching God at work in your life.  We all need to grow into emotionally healthy adults by making new and different healthy choices every day.”

By assuming responsibility for someone, we could find ourselves feeling resentful, tired, and fearful the other person will be angry with me.  We might even begin to avoid that person or dread contact fearful they will pressure me to give something that will again find me taking care of something that is not mine to take care of. If I am making decisions based on emotions vs logical thinking choices, then I am carrying and taking responsibility for their emotions. If I’m not an emotionally healthy person, I will acquiesce by picking up what is not mine to carry, feeling, exhausted, taken advantage of, and frustrated. This is a good indication I am making decisions from my emotional thinking brain vs my logical thinking brain.

Yesterday would have been our 56th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, my husband changed his address to "Mansion in the Sky" in 2006.  This was a poem I wrote to him after 18 years of marriage.  Twenty-six years later through lots of emotional storms he did not remember this when I reminded him.  So, I presented it  to him again; thus you will see two dates mentioned. Then he wrote his response to me.


To My One and Only

To the one who loved me first,
To the one who said, “Take my hand.”
To the one who said, “For better or for worse.”
To the one who is my man.
 
To the one who gave me his name,
To the one who wanted to be my friend,
To the one who made few promises to claim,
To the one who did promise, “Our love will never end!”
 
To the one who had a lot of growing up to do,
To the one who caused a lot of growing up in me,
To the one who said, “Your sky will be blue.”
To the one who said, “Our love will be free.”
 
Yes, you were the one I love, and you still are,
We ventured out on life’s boat together,
The waves were high at times, and dark clouds covered our skies
But God held onto us, when we knew no better.
 
Yes, we both wanted out of the boat at times,
And more than once we were sure it would capsize!
But God knew best and had his hand upon our lives,
And we sailed on, determined to see our sunrise.
 
You made a commitment to God and to me,
And I made one to God and to you,
When nothing else was visible,
That’s what we held on to.
 
So here we are 18/26 years later
The clouds still gather and the sun still sets
But when the rain stops and the clouds blow away
Our love still shines brighter yet.
 
Yes, you are still the man of my dreams,
The only change is from fantasy to reality,
I also long to be the woman of your dreams
With God’s help, I will do my best to meet your needs.
 
Yes, our love will continue to grow
Together we will continue to pursue our course
We will love more as our roots grow deeper
We will show our kiddos, love is a choice, not a feeling.
 
I love you with all my heart,
And I appreciate your love for me,
Through our commitment, we’ll continue as from the start
Together, and with God’s help, we will conquer Life’s sea!
 
We will finish with stars shinning bright,
We will one day again, sit and hold hands in the moonlight.
All we will have we will have given,
And we will, sit, rock and smile, because we reached our heaven.
 
Love you Babe,
January 30, 1987

My Husband’s Response to me
 
God Is Faithful

To My Love, My Passion, My Life, My Wife

God is faithful and God is true,
And now your husband comes to you,
He comes not with what the world imparts,
But with the love of Jesus in his heart.
 
Only now do I truly understand,
What God can do when we are in His hand,
All the days forward, I will love you, as God intended,
May your cup be full…never ending.
 
The prophecy that you wrote long ago,
Has filled my heart with a glow,
I finish with your words that have come true,
With the assurance that they are a blessing to me and to you.
 
We will finish with stars bright,
We will one day sit and hold hands in the moonlight,
All we have, we will have given,
And we will sit, rock, and smile, because we have reached our heaven.
 
I love you with every fiber of my being!
Your husband---Dad.
 February 13, 1998
 

I ventured out on Life’s sea,
It has been called that from time and eternity,
I move and live and take my breath,
Oblivious to the tangled web I will weave,
 
I made my plans, I sewed my seeds,
Not realizing, I’m sowing and I will reap
I’m not concerned; I know what I want and where I am going
As I make my plans for how my life will be.
 
I continue to chart my life’s course in this sea,
Sometimes in forbidden waters, just to see what I can see,
I think my mind is making the choices,
Oblivious to the silent beating of my heart’s tapestry.
 
Suddenly, in the distance, the clouds begin to gather
And the winds begin to blow
The rain begins, the torrents beat upon my house
This life is indeed becoming a very bumpy road
 
Fear sets in, disaster is looming
Gradually, I begin to realize just how little I know
I look back at the crossroads,
God was there, watching me go.
 
Why didn’t you stop me, in anger I scream
You knew, and You were able,
Silently You stood and let me go,
Watching me, and the breaking of my dream
 
My ears could not hear You at all, not a sound
Determined, hard headed, and on my way
I don’t realize that the way up, is down
And there will be a heavy price to pay.
 
No one listens! No one sees the danger!
We are headed for disaster!  Our boat is going under!
There are sharks out there! No wait! The sharks are in our boat!
It’s me…and him…We are tearing each other apart!
 
My attempt to make things right, fails
My plan, my motives meet with disaster
One door closes, I try another
I am determined; I will not be taken under.
The years go by, and onward, I struggle
No one sees!  No one really cares!
Come this way, I scream!
I have the only answer for us all. God, please help us, is my prayer.
 
No one is listening,
I can’t make them hear!
I can’t make them stop!
I hear a voice!  Go ahead, leave, bail out.
They really don’t care!
 
What difference would it make?
If you are no longer here
They would have peace and calm,
Not even noticing that you were gone!
 
No stop! I can’t do that!
God died for this day, and a sin like that.
He promises to walk with me all the way.
He promised by his grace….
 
I can’t accept the answer is “No.”
God really?  My dream?
Death? Death of me?  Death of my Dream?
Yes, both, you say. “You only need Me!”
 
I can’t let go…It’s my dream
It’s my life.
Yes, life!  The exchanged life!
Death for life!
 
Reality is here! Painful reality
Why must it be so…
I give up, I give in,
I’ll let my dream go.
 
My dream, it is gone. Death!
A new dream comes.
A longing, a desire for You
My dream that You will be my love
And carry me across the shattered pieces
That my choices left strewn all around.
 
You came!
You’re here!
And together, if You’ll walk with me,
I can, I will survive and I will thrive.
Thank you for life,
All wrapped up in You.
You promise me life.
Your life for mine,
How could I have been so blind?
 
All along, happiness was what I sought
Now, flat on my back
Holiness is what you wrought,
When there is no place to look but up.
 
The truth has set me free.
The truth about you,
And the truth about me.
The Good shepherd has brought me to the end of me.
Thank you, Jesus, I’ve been set free.  Free from me.
 
It’s true, your word is right,
Your grace is enough…in the darkest of nights.
Freedom comes, freedom from the idol I’ve erected,
It is torn down, it's shattered and it is true.
Your yoke is easy and your burden is light
I’m free, free even in the darkest night.
 
Carol Greenberg
June 16, 2012

      Check this out.  These days are synonymous with two significant events that bears remembering.  The first date of 7,305 days is how many days from my husband’s birthdate until the day he was wounded in Viet Nam by friendly fire. The 13,140 days represents the number of days my husband, Gene Greenberg and I were married.  It represents all the hard and grueling days of agony we spent torturing one another with our own stupid expectations, words and expressing those expectations, and wanting our own way.  However, it also represents all the wonderful moments we captured to remember and reflect on how God orchestrated the events that brought us to an end of ourselves, and how He orchestrated the miracle within our hearts that played out in real time to create the marriage we dreamt about. 
      We managed to create a disaster during the few first years that just about destroyed us.  I reflect on some of the disagreements we had back then and if I had made a list of all the things we argued about it would be laughable…to ourselves and to others as well.  I’m sure of it.
     Today is Veteran’s Day.  My hero, my prince, has been gone for 19 years; he passed in 2006.  Today is the day we remember all the sacrifices veterans have made for us to have all the freedom’s we enjoy.  He came home from Viet Nam to a divided world over the war.  He and many other Vets had a hard time not taking the protest of the war personally.  His comment was, “We were hearing bullets whiz over our heads and watching our comrades, our buddies, get blown apart while we hear and “feel” the hatred and protest about what we were doing.”  Being able to step back from that a little as a more mature adult and farther removed from the fire in his belly he could rationalize what happened and be proud that he was a part of something bigger than himself.  Gene being wounded by friendly fire, makes the pain of all of that harder to swallow.  But he did process it to a place where he was no longer angry and bitter.  He accepted his role there and then came to realize why he came home.  He told me he figured out that God wanted him to tell others about the peace he found in Jesus and encourage them to do the same.
      Part of our struggle was because of Viet Nam and how his heart was so wounded, but it was also about both of our immaturity as we thought we knew what we were doing when we planned on getting married with me being 17 and him just 3 days away from his 21st birthday. Others thought we were “out of our mind,” particularly my parents.
      I’m writing on this day when others are remembering so many memories of their sacrifice, the sacrifice of their comrades, and the families of those comrades.  I never want to forget their sacrifices, and I lift them up to God to comfort, heal, and restore the joy so many of them lost on that battlefield.
     God is a good God, and he orchestrates our lives whether we believe that or not. He is always working even though we cannot visibly see it. Where was God when___?  I always say He was on His throne, the same place He was when Jesus was crucified on that cruel cross so long ago for each one of us, for me, for Gene and for our marriage to be all that he created it to be.  If you will tap into His life giving power, you too can experience the grace to become all that He meant for you to be in every area of your life.
Thank you, Jesus.

Dear God,
                I thank you for raising up, Charlie Kirk.  I thank you for empowering him to follow The Call you placed in his heart for You and for Your Kingdom to redeem what our culture and the enemy has stolen from our young people, even though it seems from our view, his life was cut so short. But we choose to embrace the truth that your plan is different from ours. Remember God has a plan.  He tells us in Isaiah 55:8-9, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
 
                Know—Serve—Do.  Charlie Kirk lived this every day.  Martin Luther King Jr. entitled his speech, “I Have a Dream.”  Charlie also had a dream, and he lived it out every single day. I believe that in this horrific event, Charlie’s impact will be greater than we could ever imagine. In that sense, as painful as it is, we are confident that You God, will redeem this awful, horrendous, miserable disaster to do what Your Word Charlie sent it forth to do.
 
                It appears that Satan won this one—he did not—we cannot see what God sees, and we do not understand what God understands. But we do know that God is in control and Satan is defeated. We can ask the question, “Why?”  But we will probably never get an answer.  Perhaps the better question is “What now?”
 
                Our warriors pay the ultimate price by giving their life, on real physical battle grounds on soil in faraway places, to answer the call to defend our great nation and keep the freedoms of our United States of America. Charlie gave the ultimate sacrifice, his life, the ultimate sacrifice on the spiritual battlefield, between good and evil, on our own soil. It was God’s call that moved him out into the spiritual battlefield in the exchange of ideas where evil raged and the battle was clear and defined, knowing the risk. The battlefield of spiritual warfare.
 
                God has always desired to use His people to work in the world on the spiritual stage between good and evil. It may appear to some that evil won. But we know better.  We know this because we know that God is sovereign and God is still on His throne and God is still in control. God allowed! God allowed! God allowed! That is a hard concept to grasp and embrace. But God is sovereign, and He has a much bigger plan that we cannot see nor understand.
 
                Erika and his children also paid the ultimate price to fight an invisible enemy so these young people can be set free from the slavery and the lies they believe.  This was Charlie Kirk’s dream.  That our future, the younger generation, would rise up and stand to reclaim our great nation.  It has been said, Charlie Kirk was this young generation’s Rush Limbaugh—perhaps—as Charlie’s message carried a resounding clarion call to point them to Jesus’ sacrifice for every one of those young people to be set free from the lies and deception Satan and our culture has perpetrated on them. Thank you, Jesus; we know you will redeem this for your perfect plan and the furtherance of your gospel of grace and truth. Charlie said if he was remembered for anything, he would want to be remembered for having courage for his faith. I believe that happened. We will see many more young people come to their knees and embrace the gospel of salvation.  We have already heard of several who are heart broken and Charlie’s words are sinking deep into their hearts. One young lady grieving Charlie’s death was saved in the parking lot of a church.  The ears of her heart were opened and she believed the message Charlie spoke. 
 
                God we are asking that You will show Yourself in this dark hour in Erika’s shattered heart, in the dark hour of his children’s hearts as they come to understand this awful tragedy, in the dark hour in his parents’ heart, in the dark hour of his friends, in the dark hour of our own broken hearts and in the dark hour of our nation. We are told that Charlie asked his wife daily, “How can I serve you today?”  He took on the mantle of Jesus Christ and he served Erika daily. I pray every man will take on this mantle to serve their wife.
               
                We do not understand. We are heartbroken that Charlie’s children will not know their dad. We do not have to understand.  If we could figure it out, God would not be God. James Dobson stated, “When you cannot see His hand, follow His heart.”  We also know that God is for us. “If God is for us, then who can be against us, Romans 8:31. There may be evil to rise up against us, but that evil will not prevail.  We will stand with Him, and He will win.
 
                When God says that His Word will not return to Him void, we understand that God is sovereign. The promise is that God’s Word will accomplish what He wants it to, not necessarily what we want it to. Like the wind that “blows wherever it pleases,” the Holy Spirit moves in mysterious ways (John 3:8). And God may use His Word in surprising ways, at surprising times, and in surprising people. Likewise, it may be disappointing, and devastating, as in this tragedy.  We can’t predict exactly how God will use His Word since He is God, and we are not.
 
                God is for Erika; God is for their children.
God is a good God.  God is a good, good Father. God is for all of us. God will redeem this. We are fully confident; God will redeem this, of that we are fully confident—truly confident.  God is—God is in control.
Thank you, Jesus. Amen and Amen.
           

​Today, this day,
I chose to believe
I am a child of God
I choose to believe
I am accepted in the Beloved
I choose to believe
You choose to love me
Beyond anything I can imagine.
 
Today, this day,
I choose to trust You
I choose to believe
You are with me
Always
You are preparing a place for me
You will return
You will keep Your promise.
 
I sit and ponder my failures
There are many of them
Enter shame
Enter failure
But then I hear Your voice
The way up is down.
 
I went down to the depths of hell
I paid your penalty
The price: death
Death on the cross.
Physical death
On the cross
Spiritual death
On the cross.

I paid the price
Taking on separation from Father
For your sin
I took it
On myself for you.
 
Did He turn away
It seemed like He did
It seemed like I was alone
It seemed like I was abandoned and alone.
 
But God
It was God’s plan
The only way
The God man
An earthly man that could die
But also, God that could be resurrected
The only answer for man’s dilemma.
 
After death
He was resurrected
He returned to Father
My faith and trust in Him
Will place me in God’s family
As a Child of the King.
 
When I die
I will be resurrected
My body will be resurrected
To join my spirit and soul
To live forever with Jesus
Jesus, My Heavenly Bridegroom
And My Abba Father.
 
I choose to believe in God the Father
I choose to believe in Jesus the Son
I choose to believe in the Holy Spirit
The only God
The Three-in-one
I choose to believe.
 
God, My heavenly Father
Loves me beyond
What my earthly father could
I choose to believe
I’m His special child
Chosen
And bought with a price.

I am in the beloved
God is my refuge
My safe place
I choose to embrace God’s truth
Do you?
​
God has my best interests at heart
God watches over everything about me
Faith is needed
To please God
I choose to believe
 
God’s word is true
I am relieved
From all of my anxiety
When I choose to rest and believe
God will bring me
To the other side
 
I can rest
In the palm of His hand
My name is engraved there
I can choose to stand
In truth
In faith
In Trust
As I rest there.
 
Are you?
Choosing to rest there?
Choosing to rest in His arms?
Choosing to trust?
Are you choosing Him?
Are you choosing to rest?
In Him?
Are you?

“He who has ears to hear, let him hear."  Matt 11:15

“ Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle.  To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” —Fred Rogers

I'm attempting to write a book.  I've been attempting this for way too long...several years now.  It is about me growing up to be an emotionally healthy adult and how God transformed me when I quit pointing my finger at my husband.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 14

Along this pathway, God became very silent. I groaned, moaned, complained, and whined. I blamed Gene for breaking all the rules. He really wasn’t breaking all the rules, just all of mine and how I believed things should be done. When I couldn’t get him to fall in line, I pointed my finger at God and asked, “Are you really going to let him treat me this way? Really?” I look back now and understand why God was so silent. He doesn’t take too kindly to a spirit of entitlement. I was wearing it well and still digging my hole. Gene’s way versus my way . . . not necessarily wrong, just different. I thought it was him, but really, we were both wrong! You have heard the statement, “It takes two to tango. Might I add here, that if you think the problem is “out there”…that’s the problem.  Trust me…been there done that.
 
Pictures speak loud and clear. This insight came only after I had disciplined my children many times, sat with them with their reactions to my discipline. Crying, angry young children are in no frame of mind to listen to explanations of why they received discipline. The brain doesn’t work that way. However, there comes a time, after they have calmed down, and they are sad, rather than mad, that they would come back and sit in my lap to be comforted. Then I could explain why they needed discipline. It is at this point that I say with great love, “This is the reason mommy had to . . ..” Now they can listen and receive what I’m saying because the brain is calm, and the pre-frontal cortex is back online, and listening and understanding is now functional.
               
                                                                                  The Armor is Cracking
DANGER AHEAD! BRIDGE OUT! We missed the signs. I remember thinking something is terribly wrong here. I had what I thought was a pretty good plan worked out in my mind. I read that in the Bible somewhere! NOT! I read and then created my own reality—if you do this, then this will happen. Where did I go wrong? Still a bit blind to the truth, I’m sure you would agree. I forgot or didn’t know about that little verse in Proverbs 14:12 that reads, “There is a way that seems right, but the end is death!  I began to consider all my Bible school, upbringing, and what I knew was true about God. This was some clear thinking for a moment. I decided only one of two things could be true: either God was the God I learned about growing up, or there was something wrong with me. I decided to trust the truth I knew about God; therefore, decided there must be something wrong with me.” I suddenly realized a bigger truth. When I started on my “very grown-up journey,” I tucked Jesus in my back pocket and said, “Let’s go this way.” About eight years into this journey, as it was all falling apart, I looked back over my shoulder, and saw Jesus standing at the crossroads, just standing there watching me. I wonder if that’s what the prodigal son’s dad did, just looked down the road watching him go. (Luke 15:11)
I realized I had been in the pilot seat all these years trying to tell God what I was going to do, figure out how I was going to do it, and get the results I envisioned, and I expected Him to be on board! UGH! Now I had to return to the crossroads and start over again. I went back and repented of my short-sightedness. I handed Jesus the steering wheel and promised to let him drive. This becomes a reoccurring theme in my life, repenting of my short-sightedness. We were muddling through the dark forest called the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I continued to unravel emotionally. To make a long story short, I was just beginning to realize I was a huge, may I repeat, a huge part of the problem. A God coincidence? Mind you, I was still pointing my finger at Gene. A man asked another man, “What is the greatest threat to your marriage?”  The man answered, “I am.”  G.K. Chesterton responded to a similar question, “What is wrong with the world?”  At the end of his short response, he wrote back with only one sentence, “I am.”

I was at the altar at church bawling my eyes out, begging God to fix my marriage—or better, this was another of many “fix my husband moments,”—when a Sunday School teacher knelt beside me and asked, “Carol, why do you want Gene to become a Christian?” Well, my pea brain was thinking in nanoseconds. “What?” Surely this must be a trick question? Isn’t it obvious? It seemed rather obvious to me that it would help our marriage if he would straighten up and “fly right!” My right! So, I did not answer with the obvious reply. I waited. Then this godly man asked me a second question. “Do you want Gene to become a Christian so he will become a better father and a better husband, or do you want him to become a Christian so he will be a better son, and God will be glorified?”

OH MY! UGH! Suddenly the revelation hit, the lights came on, and I recognized the selfishness of my prayer. I wanted Gene to give his life to Jesus for selfish reasons—I did want him to be a better father and a better husband more than I wanted him to be a man that would bring glory to God. Ouch! First-order desire fulfilled, and second-order desire follows. Imagine that? My desire for my husband to be the spiritual leader of our home is legitimate, but that needs to be my second-order desire. My first-order desire would be that I would be transformed in this journey; God would be enough for me, even if my husband never became the spiritual leader of our family, and Gene would find God along the way as well. I hate to admit this, but that wasn’t anywhere on my radar! Ugh! Nailed! Re-focus! So, I repented and prayed:
 
God, please change my heart, open his spiritual eyes and ears, and let Him hear for himself. Let him hear so he can be a better son to you, so he can give you glory and praise. So, he can show others your grace and glory. Praise God for first things first. All else is secondary. His relationship with you God is first and foremost. I can wait because of Jesus; God will work out those things that are not just exactly right. And please teach me to be patient, to focus on myself to become the person You want me to be if he never, ever, changes!

When you have been called out and set straight...repentance is a good thing and the only response.

If you think the problem is  "out there!"  That's the problem.  God is working on you! 

The first mention of shame in the Bible Is in the Garden when Adam and Eve fled from God’s presence because they had disobeyed Him and were well aware that things were very different.

Scripture tells us initially “They were naked and not ashamed.”  Then suddenly one act of disobedience and now we read, they were naked and hid themselves because they were ashamed! 

I remember reading this as a child, thinking naked meant naked…no clothes on.  I am sure that's true since Adam and Eve had no need for clothing in a perfect environment, and I do mean perfect.  Perfect harmony first with themselves, second with each other and most of all with God. There was delight in everything, imagine that? This is harmony at its finest.  The complementary rolls that God had established to work in perfection no longer worked as God intended. The woman would have a sin tendency to disrespect her man’s role of leadership and the man in his sinfulness would tend to abuse his authority and even crush the woman.

Both have great difficulty stepping into their role as God created. Both can be aggressive demanding and or passive, avoiding. Now emotions are heavy and hard and difficult, and we attempt to avoid them at all costs.  We attempt to avoid pain, in any way possible, escaping reality.

In our journey of the life that we are now living we try to escape the bludgeons of assault, betrayal, passion and loss. For most of us the easiest emotion to express is anger…which hides what we are really feeling.  This anger covers over and kills any other emotion that we feel, as it is always a secondary emotion. We feel hurt, confusion, sad, then anger. We escape sadness by opting for shame and we bypass loss by giving into jealousy or resentment. We use one emotion on top of the first to hide from one another, and to escape the pain that we feel.

Our emotions reveal how we’re doing with God.
Am I moving toward God with awe and gratitude or am I turning away creating false gods? As we turn away, we turn to anything that will ease the pain, the hurt and remove the burning like fire feeling inside of us.  We turn to may offerings, food, alcohol drugs, shopping, exercising, screen time, scrolling, numbing out on the 10th reel we’ve just watched, and now we have new ways to numb our pain… Cutting...Anything we turn to other than God becomes an idol. Before we had screens of all sizes, we had TVs. We could sit and veg out in front of the TV hour after hour, day after day. This is what my husband did when he was in the hospital in Japan after being wounded in Vietnam. There weren’t many options with his arm in traction.  His day consisted of meeting with doctors, procedures and more procedures, going through physical therapy, sitting in bed, watching TV, eating, sleeping, day after day…repeat.  Of course, I’m not sure what else one does when every movement hurts, even breathing hurts. There wasn’t a lot of other options. God uses all our emotions to reveal us to us, he’s revealing our heart to us if we stop long enough to listen. How can we understand God’s righteous and holy jealousy for us, for his people if we don’t experience our own human envy and jealousy; however, ours is much different from God’s.  To comprehend deeply the heart of God, we must seek to understand and feel and experience and deal with these emotions he gave us. 

Both jealousy and envy involve a furious demand that our soul not suffer. His jealousy is pure and holy because he loves us and wants us close to him and he knows what’s out there that will destroy. The heart is an idol making machine…much like children’s bubble machine.  Running to that “thing” is creating an idol as we attempt to protect self from any possibility of pain.  Despair is a refusal to struggle… the fear of hoping lest I be disappointed. First by choice and it just becomes what we do, automatically without thinking. Losing the ability to hope, and continue the struggle, despair sets in.

SHAME - Good, Godly healthy shame vs toxic shame

• Guilt – based on our actions: I did something wrong
• Shame says there is something wrong with me.
• Healthy, Godly, rightful, holy shame is a good thing. It keeps us from stepping of the boundaries But toxic shame keeps us in bondage and the fear of being exposed, making a mistake and being discovered as phony.
• Shame then comes in, exposes my failure and I get stuck in it.  I demean myself as it becomes something sinister, and toxic.
• Shame exposes me as ugly beyond words. Nothing cuts to the core so personally as shame. It justifies avoidance and sometimes violence. Our fear of being exposed will cause us to retreat and protect ourselves at any cost. I condemn myself and speak to myself, name calling, with perfected character assassination causing a slow but inevitable death of me – the real me, God created me to be…free. 
• Shame is a flight from intimacy. Shame is withdrawal, isolation, drains energy and withers our desire to engage. It’s one of our deepest fears of being caught without defense, without cover and condemned to unrelenting humiliation.

 
We hide…just as Adam and Even did, from others and from ourselves.

Consider these 4 emotions.  When you experience these emotions, STOP! Take a moment, sit with yourself. There is a clue in each one of these to help you determine what might be going on. Consider the following.  Each emotion will give a clue to why you feel that particular emotion.

• Anger — correct a wrong
• Fear — protect my self or someone else
• Sad — connect - I need comfort
• Guilt — I did something wrong.  I need to confess - take responsibility and ask forgiveness
• Shame — Healthy Shame is activated to keep me from doing something I will regret
• Toxic Shame — I want to hide because I have done something I should not have done. I need to share with a safe person.

      I'm thinking today about our country the spiritual freedoms, we experience daily because of Jesus Christ who paid the price for sin, setting me free from me, Satan's clutches, and his schemes, and for all the other freedoms that are won on the battlefield of life every day as others sacrifice their lives because they love. Folks, we are on a spiritual battle front.  The battle for life and death.

       I have heard all the arguments for and against each candidate, so I’m curious considering the choices we face, what are you basing your choices on this election cycle?

       So, here's my question: If you were voting for a King and the top two contenders were David, a shepherd boy that has no experience and has done little to be qualified for the job of King, versus Saul who has already been in the office for a while, and has some experience under his belt; how would you vote?
Saul became jealous, obviously has mental issues, and sets out to prevent his opponent from taking his throne, in a myriad of diabolical tactics, including trying to pin him to the wall with his spear. He called up Eli from the dead to speak to him through a necromancer and then lied and blamed others when he failed to follow God's directives. No one is flawless and we fight and quarrel, kill and covet because we do not get what we want (James 4). Whoever is not guilty, throw the first stone. 

       Then you have David, who was denoted as being a man after God's heart. Unfortunately, he also became jealous. Jealous for another man's wife, and plotted to kill her husband, for the same reason. Regardless, God put him in charge of running His country. Some say, “But David repented” Indeed, he did, that occurrence is documented. Nathan, the prophet came to David and told him a story about a man who stole another man's only female lamb who lived in his house with his family and rested in his arms like a child. But the man, who had plenty took that poor man's lamb rather than one from his own herd and killed it to feed his guests. Davie was livid and condemned the man.  Nathan, however, pointed out that David was guilty of the same thing. I’m not minimizing David’s repentance, but he did not repent until Nathan came a year after that event and the murder of her husband. Then David repented. Great! I'm not judging David, we all use similar tactics to hide when we do not want to face our failures, and of course repentance is a god-thing. We also have the account of how God disciplined David.

        My point is this…God chose David to be king over Israel despite his flaws because he was the best man.  The “man after God’s heart,” baffled me for a while, until I read over and over that David never turned to worship other idols as so many other Kings did.  Thus, the “man after God’s heart,” makes sense.  If God really punishes those who lie and commit murder, will God not punish us all for lying, and allowing the killing of innocent babies who are deprived of living their God-given life endowed by their creator. We have two flawed sinful candidates.

         We are not choosing a pastor or a priest to run our country, whom we also know are not flawless.  We are choosing the best candidate that will uphold the principles that we know are of utmost importance to God, and life is the highest of those principles and values. If God, is really God, and punishes those who lie and commit murder, will God not punish these United States, for allowing the killing of innocent babies who are deprived of living their best God-given life endowed by their creator? We have two candidates with flaws. "Who will cast the first stone?" Certainly not me. We are told in I Kings 17:16-17, God condemned Israel.
“They sacrificed their sons and daughters in the fire and practiced divination and soothsaying. They devoted themselves to doing evil in the sight of the LORD, provoking Him to anger.”  This was on the heals of condemning them for making the idol and worshiping the calf at the base of the mountain.
If he punished them, are we not standing in the face of judgment for the same reasons? Are we not at the crossroads?  Joshua spoke, in the book that bears his name, versus 24:16-17:
“Fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the river and in Egypt and serve the Lord… choose this day whom you will serve.  But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

           I have made stupid decisions, no one is immune to that, but I choose God.  I choose to stand with God on this one, where scripture cast no doubt on how He feels about murdering His children.  I choose life for the most innocent of His creatures who have no voice or ability to choose. The arms and legs of the innocents are ripped from their bodies, their skulls crushed, and their brains drain out of what is supposed to be their safest place, while the abortionist counts the body parts. I stand with God on this one.

            Who will you serve today?  The lies of the enemy or the Truth of God. We do not have a crystal ball to look into the future and know to what percentage a candidate will stand on this issue, but we do have some historical events to give us a bit of insight.  We cannot know what we do not know.  We can only choose based on the information we have now.  So, for now: “Choose this day whom you will serve.” Choose life! And leave the rest to God.

                God bless us and God bless the USA.

I'm growing in grace day by day
I'm learning to yield each step of the way.

The storm has subsided,
The wind has died down,
The sea is calm,
The sun is shining through,
The clouds have gone,
And the sky is blue,

I'm just basking in the freedom ,
Of all the things I've learned by being in Your Kingdom,
The peace, the tranquility, the rest,
And reflecting on the seeming insurmountable trials of the last test
All the time holding on to you,
Determined and knowing you would see us through.

So, what do I do now as I rest,
I don't want to lose sight of you ,
Just because I'm not in a test,
Or perhaps this is the test,
To stay close to you,
After the storm has passed.

Please Lord, don't let me slip away,
I pray I'll continue to grow closer with each passing day,
Please keep my love fresh and joy-filled and new,
As I sail in these skies so blue.

It seems unusual not to have a trial or a test,
To be able to sit back and rest,
It seems too good to be true
How do I handle this, it's all new,

What's around the corner that I can't see,
This tranquility is so unusual, how can it be,
Is it a false rest, how long before this shall pass,
For nothing this peaceful can long last.

Don't let me slip, don't let me move away,
Keep me on my knees continuing to pray,
Keep the urgency in the attitude of my heart,
To read your word so truth you can continue to impart.

I know I don't need the emotion, I know that,
But the joy of knowing your delight when I sit close with you,
And the joy I have when I experience that delight,
This is the joy of the Lord giving me strength
Staying close in the easy time may very well be the biggest test,
Keep me close, Lord,
As I continue to grow as I rest rest.

Past journal entry

​Shame is a Flight from Intimacy
                Shame is one of our deepest and most painful emotions.  Shame tells me I’m undone – or rather, I’m done – it’s over.  The voice of condemnation rises, and I am now tainted and completely unacceptable to myself, to others and to God.  I will be isolated and mocked forever!
Nothing cuts us to the core quite like shame.  Jean Paul Satre calls it, “a hemorrhage of the soul.”  We hide, as I mentioned in the last blog, as Adam and Eve chose to do. It was the first thing they did when they realized the consequences of their choice to disobey God.  Shame is a feeling of being exposed as “ugly and unacceptable” beyond words or comprehension. Shame takes its razor-sharp edge and cuts down to the very core of who I believe myself to be, like nothing else. Rejection and shame lock arms together to destroy self-worth. It is the experience of being caught without defense or cover and condemned to unrelenting humiliation.  We hide…and continue to build the seed-coat covering (that protective barrier we erected in our FOO (family of origin) to protect our heart), and we spend our energy insulting and replaying tapes trying to insulate ourselves from anything or anyone that could possibly provoke exposure and reveal to others what we now believe about ourselves. This stifles intimacy.  This is when shame justifies avoidance and isolation. Contempt is eager to jump on the band wagon.  Contempt for ourselves, turns to contempt for others who have hurt us, and we lash out and blame.
          When was the last time you felt shame?  Was it when you got called into your supervisor’s office, and had to admit you did something wrong?  Was it when your child misbehaved in some public venue, and you felt the eyes of everyone labeling you as an incompetent parent?  Was it a time when you failed miserably to live up to a vow, and a past promise you made to yourself?  Sort of like Peter, “I’ll lay down my life for you.”  Then he denied Jesus three times.  You are horribly aware that you failed your own perfectionism and you failed to meet what you knew was right in your heart and God’s directives plainly explained in the Bible.  Other times shame comes at the hands of someone else that shatters your heart.  During my middle school years, sitting on the couch with my sisters and a cousin cutting up, acting silly, etc.  My mom, standing in the middle of the room watching, suddenly blurted out, “Carol, bless you sweetheart, you are so ugly!”  I was shocked…as was everyone else.  My uncle, dad of my cousin sitting with us, my mother’s brother, corrected her, but the damage was already done.  It was if the air got sucked out of the room…everything stopped momentarily; it just hung there until it burned a hole in my heart, but then life went on. Nothing was ever said about it again. 
           Last week I mentioned that shame is a “painful absorption with self.”  In this case, shame turned inward on me, and I only viewed myself from the dot of shame that was put on me as it spread throughout my psyche from the center of my being and consumed me.  I carried this horrific shame for a very long time.  If, I’m ugly, even to my own mom, I reasoned, I must be really ugly.  I have wondered what might have caused my mom to say something like that.  When you consider the reality, none of us could probably say we were beautiful in middle school, but that is beside the point, isn’t it?  People who carry shame pass it on.  I wonder what kind and how much shame my mother carried for her to say that.
I have since made peace with all of that mostly because I choose to believe I am accepted in the beloved and my Heavenly Bridegroom thinks I’m beautiful, and so did my husband.  When I was about 47, years old, and 30 years of marriage, while talking with my husband he said, “Carol, you are more beautiful today than the day I met you!”  I had to stop, and in split second timing, I chose to receive that.  It is through relationships we are broken, and it is through relationships we are healed, along with the choice to believe the truth. 
It is very difficult to receive when you have been wounded and have swallowed the lie that you are far from, well let’s forget pretty – shall we say – far from acceptable.  Maybe you did not have a human on this earth to reassure you that you are cherished.  That does not mean you cannot learn to accept what your heavenly Father’s love and adoration, what your heavenly Bridegroom believes about you, and that indeed you are accepted in the beloved.   Last blog I mentioned that there is an anecdote for shame.  We do not have to carry it around with us.
 
The anecdote to shame is brokenness. 
          The power of shame is never crushed by defending our goodness or our dignity, nor is it melted by sitting in its bucket and allowing the lie to become our identity.  Rather it is melted in sorrow when we are overwhelmed that it exposes the idol we have erected.  We and others will make grievous mistakes which will bring on a torrent of shameful emotions. We find repentant sorrow when we face our failure and move beyond its horizontal cause and effect. Shame keeps me locked in a sea of rejected unacceptability. I must look shame in the face to deal with the tragic consequences of its idolatrous foundation and acknowledge, “I am broken,” and embrace just how truly broken I am, then lay the idol and the reality of my brokenness at the cross. When brokenness is accepted, and I lay down the idol I’ve created and believed that I’m not that bad; I am broken with the reality that I need a Savior, Jesus, who sacrificed his life and I can come to Him.  He will break the chain shame holds me in.  The only approach to shame is receiving the grace from God that heals as I recognize I’m lost and undone. I choose to receive the grace of God that heals.  I am beautiful and acceptable to Him.
         This was a new thought for me…Shame is idolatry?  Hmmm, very interesting!  This is indeed a different kind of thinking; something I had never considered. Shame is my idol?   Ponder this truth and how God desires to break the chains of shame to enable you to live free. 
          Stay tuned.
Taken from, The Cry of the Soul
Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III

I am questioning my worth
I’m wondering about love
Jesus said he would return
But the question haunting my mind?
Am I worth returning for?

I’ve sinned so greatly
I lost my way more than once
I just don’t know
And the question remains
Am I worth coming back for?

I took the hammer
I took the nails
The cross? I nailed him there
I am too aware, and the question replays
Am I worth coming back for?

I threw myself down
Searching for a point
Lower than the ground
I’m lost and undone
Please God, I long to hear you say
YOU ARE worth coming back for.

I lay there lost in my fear
Crying tears of shame and I long and 
I strain to hear Him
Assuring me of his love
Calming my fear
Taking my shame
You Are worth coming back for.

Remember I sacrificed my life
My broken body pained and alone
On the tree I created for you
While your heart had turned to stone.
Alone and separated from my Father
I’m alone but I groan
It is finished!
​
I missed it for so long 
I’m hearing it now 
I can see the sacrifice 
It is just for me
Now I can see 
Now I hear
You ARE worth coming back for. 

I hear His still small voice say…
You are definitely worth it
And its YOU I'm coming back for!
 
Inspired by the Holy Spirit 
Penned by Carol Greenberg 1978

AND MY ANSWERED PRAYER
      Eugene V. Greenberg Jr. enlisted in the army in February 1966.  He went to Germany and served two tours in Viet Nam.  On December 3, 1968, he was 100% disabled by friendly fire.  But God deemed that he would not die on a hill in Vietnam.   
      He returned home from Vietnam like all other Veterans, broken, hurt, and disillusioned in serving his country with the reality of what they were doing being tainted with all the controversy over Vietnam.  More than 2,700,000 Americans served in uniform in Vietnam, and more than 58,000 were killed or reported missing. Estimates of Vietnamese deaths range over 1 million.
      Lingering impacts of the war are important, and Memorial Day provides a particularly appropriate time for reflection. Our soldiers did not receive a “Welcome Home,” or a “Thank you for your service.”  Instead he and his comrades were ridiculed and called “baby killers!’  He experienced survivor’s guilt.  He grieved over one of his buddies who just received pictures of his new baby, and was killed in action the next day along with all the others who seemingly sacrificed their lives for naught.  His anger and disillusionment led him to destroy his medals.  Married in December 1969 we had two wonderful and adorable sons, but life was tough.  He struggled with PTSD and had difficulty holding down a job and continued to have health problems from his disability.  Further, Gene was very angry at God.  As a child he knew two things about God…God is all powerful, and God is all loving.  He had a very hard time reconciling the horrific things he saw in Vietnam, particularly the little children the Viet Cong maimed and killed to accomplish their purposes. 
 
      I knew Vietnam was the issue, but he refused to talk about it, get help for it, or deal with any of it.  So, I began to pray, “God do whatever it takes to break open the pain of Vietnam and force him to deal with all of it.” God answered that prayer one day in 1985 when the phone rang.  Little did I know God was in the background orchestrating as only He can.  The person on the other end of the line asked to speak to Eugene Greenberg.  This was the first odd thing about this phone call.  No one called Gene, by Eugene.  Not his family, not his co-workers…no one.  Gene came to the phone, he said hello and said almost nothing before dropping the phone.  At this point he put his head in his hand and tears came!  Obviously, my anxiety went off the charts, as I’m wondering what in the world could this be since I knew it was not his family.  I had no idea this was the answer to my prayer. 
      As it turned out, this man was one of Gene’s Vietnam buddies, Kenneth Fife. This man had been searching for him for a while, putting ads in newspapers and trying to locate Gene.  Over the next few months he and Gene began to talk regularly.  One night, during one of their conversations, he revealed to Gene that he thought he was responsible for the disaster that ensued on that hill in Vietnam on December 3rd.  He stated he was responsible for the coordinates that caused the round to fall short killing several and wounding many including Gene.  This was a game-changer for Gene.  He suddenly realized there was someone carrying a heavier burden than him.  He decided to go to Wyoming to see Ken. 
      My prayer…whatever it takes, Lord for Gene to face Vietnam was the very thing that broke open the sealed box in the basement where the contents continued to spew out into the living room.
      Gene and Ken continued to speak and Gene even flew out Wyoming to visit face to face with his past.  It started the healing journey.  Then early 1998 we received another telephone call.  It was from another Viet Nam Buddy, Bobby Moody.  This started another long conversation for Gene.  Members began searching for all of the 5th Division members and planned a reunion in September of that year.  Gene was going to go, but then had second thoughts and decided not to attend.  The following year, we both attended the Society of the 5th Division Reunion and Gene discovered from his Captain that Ken had nothing to do with what happened.  The round that caused such disaster was defective and it landed short.  Friendly fire, that left several dead and others seriously wounded, but no one’s fault.  Gene lost his left leg immediately and almost lost his left arm.  He was air lifted to the hospital ship Repose, and then to Japan.  The doctors wanted to amputate his left arm stating it would be useless, but he refused that option and gained more use of it than they ever thought possible.  This phone call was the answer to my prayer and began Gene’s healing journey.  As  these men  came together, visited, shared community and created a lot of joy to be together and realize they were all alive and doing well, living life in the shadow of the cross and allowing God to heal their wounded hearts so many years later.
      So this Memorial Day, I’m still celebrating the hero of my life, my husband, Gene Greenberg, Jr. and how God still orchestrates and answers prayer.  I feel very appreciative that Gene chose me to do life with him, and God orchestrated our life together to “grow us up” into the persons He intended us to be. 
     Our boys are also very proud of their dad.  He is their hero and together on this Memorial Day we celebrate together our Hero, when you realize the trauma he experienced on the other side of the world, yet came home, and fought hard to overcome and live productively. My oldest grandson, Joshua Cole, joined the Army this year and just graduated from engineer boot camp from Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and is now in California for further training.   Cole even questioned, “I wonder what Grampa would think now?  We assured him Grampa would be as proud of him as we are.
                 
     We are blessed, and we continue to appreciate and thank those who sacrificed more than we will ever know to protect us and our freedoms.  Freedom is never free.  There is always a sacrifice.

Painful absorption with self:
           Shame creates an absorption with self that can make us feel as if we are drowning in quicksand. This is because self-awareness is now on hyper alert.  The focus is on me.  My eyes are turned inward to see the deed of shame that I committed. Shame shakes the very ground or core of our being of who we really thought we were, but now has been exposed reveal we are not who we believed ourselves to be. Our core identity, the self, we must now face, and that cannot be done without dire consequences.  Therefore, we begin to attack ourselves with name calling to match our flawed dignity.  I’m stupid, I’m an idiot, I’m trash, I’m nothing, I’m worthless and fit for nothing.  No one will ever want me…. you fill in the blank.  What do you say to yourself that is probably worse than anyone else would say to you?
          We are reminded that shame depicts the attack on our core identity and how it alters our countenance.  It is our face that sets us apart from any other person.  When shame is felt in the heart it first shows up on the face which reddens and loses radiance and vitality.  Then we begin to feel it internally in our gut and has the potential to all kinds of damage there. Remember when God came to confront Cain after he killed his brother, God asked, “Why are you angry and why has your countenance fallen?” Obviously, anger, shame, and guilt was written all over his face.  Isaiah declares in 29:22, “No longer will Jacob be ashamed no longer will their faces grow pale.   Then in Psalms 44:15, “My disgrace is before all day long, and my face is covered with shame.” Cover their faces with same so that men will seek your name, O Lord. May they ever be ashamed and dismayed. May they perish in disgrace.” Ps 83:16-17

Flight from Exposure:
         The second signpost of shame is hiding.  We retreat. We withdraw. We isolate. This was the first negative emotion in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve sinned, they got away as fast as they could to hide in the bushes, the very blessings that God had provided for them.

       Go back and remember when the last time something happened that brought you some embarrassment. Embarrassment is a lighter form of shame and probably one that can move through the brain’s pain processing pathway  to the other side. However, shame goes much deeper and is more difficult to manage.  If you felt shame didn’t you feel like wanting to get away as fast as possible?   Shame prompts a flight to some self-created world of safe numbness.  Dissociation is a fancy word that causes one to retreat, sometimes by decision but other times it is how God created us to be able to handle heavy hard-core shame, when it is beyond our capacity to process it.  Some events are outside our window of tolerance to be able to process as our brain tries to process and make sense of the painful event.  Other times it is a choice that we will escape by thinking that we can flee to the safety of our own creation – a place where I can escape my inner agony, my own little false creation without pain or demands of God’s world. It is a place outside of reality.  It is here that addictions and a myriad of unhealthy behaviors begin, when the realization that a drink, a drug, or something else I use to extreme, will ease the agony and inner shame that is burning in me like a furnace that continues to be fed by my negative thoughts and fears.  All eyes are on me and if they are not, I walk in fear that someone will find out what I’ve done. This behavior perceives the enemy far worse than it is and this escape that provides me only momentary relief ends up only increasing my shame and makes looking into the eyes of another or the ugliness of myself that much more incomprehensible.  Consequently, any flight to escape to invisibility will fail and require more aggressive methods to stem the hemorrhage.  This position of hiding and withdrawing gives the enemy of your soul more power and more ability to continue to weave his wicked web inside your heart and mind until it grows to consume you. His goal is to destroy.  The real enemy is pride. 

      Be well and be blessed as you turn your eyes toward the only one that can heal your heart of shame.  There is an anecdote to shame. 
Stay tuned.