When life happens and hard questions and difficulties arise they sometimes leave more difficult questions than answers.

                I was listening to the radio this morning and they were reading the verse about how God takes care of us...because we are his highest creation and if he takes care of the birds of the air, won't he take care of us?  They were discussing this and why we have such a hard time believing that God truly will take care of us.  I wanted to call in and say...DUH...is it not obvious why we have a problem resting in God taking care of us.  Look around...the less fortunate ones that have health issues, financial difficulties, or accidents that they had nothing to do with, necessarily,  Children that are abused, taken advantage of, hurt by some offender, or killed by some disease, or some inhuman being...those things do not fit our idea of being well taken care of, now do they?  The hurt and pain in the world do not translate into "care-taking" by anyone's definition.  Only as we can trust God to take care of us amidst these things, can we lay back in his arms and allow him to carry us through them.  Sometimes that's a tall order. But a view to a different perspective might be in order.  We are looking from our earthly view.  God is looking long-term and he will sacrifice everything to bring us through the dark valley to grow into who He designed us to be.  Larry Crabb suggests it is first-order desire vs second-order desires.  Sometimes we do not even know we have a second-order desire. . . one that God is in charge of to mold us to be the person He created us to be. God's view is looking through a different lens with a view to maturity, trust, and faith, not a view of necessarily getting what we want.

  Disclaimer: If this report fails to agree with another’s recollection, please accept my apology as this is my view from a short window of time and may not coincide with another's.

Captain Donald B. Smallwood passed to his Mansion in the sky on March 10, 2019.  He will be sorely missed.
If you’re interested in reading how God orchestrates our lives...read on.
 
Captain Donald B. Smallwood was my husband's captain when he was in Viet Nam in 1968 (although he was not my husband at the time). Reports indicate they were on a Search and Destroy Operation called Pikes Peak 1 when they engaged the enemy in a very bad fire fight. Afterward the men all backed off to what they thought would be a safe distance.  Unfortunately this is when the defective short round from friendly fire landed in their perimeter.  Records state there were three killed and 12 wounded.

I have a letter written to Gene by Captain Smallwood in September of 2000.  I'm quoting...

This is a repeat posting, but It is a relevant topic...

This journey for the past two months has been a process.  Process?  Hmm…some of my clients have come to dislike that word.  But…it is a process and it has been churning beneath the surface for several weeks. I’m reminded of the picture I got while we were at Sea World.  We were waiting for Shamu and his friends to make their grand entrance into the pool in front of us.  The trainers had opened the gate and we were just waiting.  Suddenly the water started to move as if there were some deep undercurrent.  It flowed along in waves as if being stirred from deep within.  As we watched suddenly Shamu and friends began jumping, no flying out of the water to do belly flops or nose dives right in front of us.  Yes, there was definitely movement under the surface.  Getting these thoughts on the page was much like that as they began swirling under the water in the deepest undercurrents of my heart…making it to the surface of my mind in a literal way to splash across the paper.  The process…as God has been orchestrating these thoughts…
keep reading....​

Galatians tells us in vs verse 24 Sarah represents the Spirit and Hagar represents the flesh. The two women allegorically represent the two covenants, the son born of the flesh and the son born of the free woman through the promise.  The battle of the flesh will continue to rage until our last breath.

 See how Paul uses an allegory in Galatians 4:21-29 to teach us a complex idea in a way we can grasp the truth of Sarah and Hagar, and how they represent us.

I just finished reading Phillip Yancey’s book Disappointment with God.  It is quite thought provoking.  For some of the questions he postulated, he provided some observations and possibilities, but for others he gave no answers. And certainly, when we are digging in the “deep,” sometimes blindfolded, trying to understand the mysteries of God, we will come up with no answers to life’s hardest, most thought provoking, and painful questions.
 
Yancey interviewed lots of people facing extremely difficult circumstances. With some, their faith grew deeper and stronger because of the struggles.  With others their faith hit rock bottom like a ship broken apart struck by the turbulent waves of their circumstances, the weight of pain and heartache sent their faith to the depths of the sea along with their dreams.  What is it that keeps one tenaciously holding on to an unseen God, believing He is there in the darkest night of the soul, and others who let go of the rope that tethers them to Him? 

“Me” the person I am is ultimately shaped by whom I love and the pain I attempt to avoid.  As I grow and as my identity is shaped, I constantly, but unconsciously face a conflict within as to which of these emotions will end up controlling me, love or fear.  One of my greatest goals in life is to avoid as much pain as possible and yet I am hard-wired to love; thus, the dilemma to love, or to protect, becomes an unconscious decision and determines much about my emotional development, or the lack thereof. 
 
John tells us “perfect love casts out fear,” (1 John 4:18), and we are created in His image.  We can never be complete and whole and “know who we are until we find our own truest selves in God.” (C.S. Lewis).  God has certain non-transferable attributes, but He does share transferable attributes with us.  In His likeness, we all have a longing for beauty, greatness, fascination, and intimacy.  He created us in love, for love, and to be loved.  In other words, we are hard-wired with a longing for connection, to be seen, noticed, cherished and deeply known.  This creates and “fires off” the joy center located in our right pre-frontal cortex (PFC). God is jealous over us.  (Ex. 20:5).  He knows that it is in our best interest to have a relationship with him; thus, the command to protect our heart from yearning and longing for anything more than we long for Him.
 
Trauma affects all of us in some form or fashion. “Any life event that leaves us feeling alone without help can be experienced as traumatic” (Jim Wilder).  It is not the type or the intensity of the pain alone that determines whether or not events will become traumatic, but feeling alone, with no one to share the impact of our hurt, causes brain circuits to misfire.  In those alone times, if the pain exceeds our mental capacity, we become traumatized.  This is certainly true when we experience painful events as children, since we do not have the capacity to process pain and grief appropriately. Thus, if painful life experiences in the past were not consistently comforted, it can be very difficult to feel we are not alone in the present.  These memories become fragmented and our brain cannot metabolize or process them to a resolution.  They remain fragmented and when something happens that triggers either an implicit or explicit memory, we react in our current relationships in a way that reflects this unresolved pain and aloneness from the past.  We may not even be aware of that or be able to connect the dots, but it is there none the less, for we all have the same brain functions.  For us to process painful experiences they must go through a pain-processing pathway for the brain to fully metabolize them for emotional healing.   The therapy protocol EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) can help with this.

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Oh, God, I’m on your anvil of life
The circumstances you use to shape me, mold me, and break me
Are sometimes more that I think I can bear
My heart is being shredded, ripped apart
 
The pain is great
The nights are long and dark
I have no idea why you have me here
I can’t see to the other side

“Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”  Jesus, Matt 16:25

“The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering.”  C.S. Lewis

“How can a man born upside down know when he is right side up? G. K. Chesterton 
​
​Love is costly and risky, but well worth it.  As I write that, I can hear you saying, “Duh! Tell me something new, will you?”  Then I imagine you deciding you are not interested in anything else on this page.  However, hang with me for a bit. 

What mountain would you like to cast into the sea? 

It’s a beautiful day and I’m driving into Austin to have lunch with a friend as I listen  to a really great song by Lindell Cooley declaring, “I need you more,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa3-XePwrAc. Check out the video.  The best part about this video is that it says…I’ll never leave your side because I never want to go back to my old life and I’ll never be alone….”  I began to reflect on that truth realizing that the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is the same God that indwells me, literally, and I WILL NEVER BE ALONE!  I just sat in the car as I was driving and I reflected on that.  I let it sink deep into my soul and imagined the person of the Holy Spirit taking up residence in my spirit…and it was a moment of glorious praise and worship as I embraced that idea in a much deeper way and just sat and worshipped God in a very deep encounter for the next few minutes….in my car.  Worship….
              I then arrive at the restaurant. I don’t see my friend so I wait.  I’m sitting at a table close to the door and looking at a menu when I see an elderly woman walking up to the front door using a white cane.  I considered going to the door to help her, but then I notice that my friend is there.  She opens the door for her and then helps her through the second door. As she walks toward the counter, I hear the lady say that she isn’t sure she knows what to order, and my friend tells her you are close to the register and after she helps her returns to me as I sit in a pool of tears acknowledging the goodness of God to help this lady get where she needs to go.  How brave!  I don’t know how this lady got here…did she take a bus, does she live close…etc? But I was overwhelmed with how brave this lady is.  I was then taken back to 1950’s ….

​It is an interesting journey and sometimes very painful,
One that is filled with ups and downs
My heart longs for the fulfilment of my dream
My desire
My longing 
Longing to be loved
Longing to be touched deeply
Longing to be
All that I was meant to be
When my desire awakens and my heart reaches out for it
It seems to be just beyond my reach.
It is out there
Out there somewhere
Somewhere…Somewhere, where I cannot reach
It is as if I’m grasping air
My heart aches and my tears fall and my anxiety rises
I twist and turn and think and groan
My mind is torn and goes up and down back and forth
Attempting to figure out how I can get what my longing is…
My dream
I play chess every day, all day
I manipulate and maneuver everything that is manipuable, or maneuverable!
I figure and I constantly rearrange and try to figure this or that.
I cry and fret, and hurt, and question why, how, and what next?
Until I am exhausted.  They say chess players go crazy…
I discover I cannot make anything happen and I’m killing myself trying
Something happens.  I make a move… I step into a forbidden area to achieve my heart’s desire, my goal.
I sit back and feel smug that I have now accomplished a maneuver, I played chess well today…
Or so I thought.
The event comes back to haunt me.

Still thinking about shattered dreams.  If I could ask you about your dreams would you choose option one, option two, or option three? Dreams fulfilled?  Dreams unfulfilled?  Dreams in a holding tank, or washed out to sea...as in Shattered?  Where do your dreams land?  My guess is you are like most of us.  At some point, you could probably check off each of those options about your dreams.  Some dreams may have been fulfilled or are being fulfilled.  Perhaps you are actually “living the dream.”  I’m sure some of your dreams have not panned out as you envisioned or expected.   Perhaps they are in a holding tank, and you are hoping the blender of life will continue to work its magic on what you perceive as a more realistic version of a fulfilled dream.  Then there is one more option.  Perhaps your dream did wash out to sea, and is no longer on the horizon but is now at the bottom of the ocean, because life happens, and dreams shatter!  Perhaps you are experiencing a different version of broken.  Perhaps someone is responsible.  Perhaps someone threw it on the concrete and it shattered into a million pieces, right before your eyes, taking your heart with it. Any shattered dream has the potential to shatter hearts, clear thinking and motivation for living right along with it. Where are you?  Shattered dreams suck the life out of us; leave us with an unbearable pain in the center of our hearts that just won’t go away, and threatens to be our undoing.  The longer the dream remains unfulfilled, it weighs us down like a “box of rocks” that seems to get heavier and heavier as time goes on with no hope of any relief.  It is here that hopelessness could become a constant companion.  When this happens…what do, we do?

Journey of My heart…that’s the Blog name because life is a journey, and it’s my heart that rides the roller coaster of life.    I also suggested that I am learning to walk on water in a difficult storm, with lots of winds, waves, and a boat that is about to sink. 
 
As I promised:  Here’s my Water-Walking adventure for 2016.

I think it is safe to say, It is all out of the bag now.  Christmas is over and organizing our survival kit for 2017 is at the top of our list.  Here’s my question…Is it appropriate to reflect on dreams in January?  I think so.  Since we just celebrated the culmination of the Greatest of all Dreams that originated in God’s heart, executed by Jesus, the Son, and sustained by the Holy Spirit.  We get to live in the abundance of the Spirit in the here and now because of the coming of God, Immanuel, Jesus with us…God came in flesh to rescue us from the clutches of Satan and the burden of trying to figure life out on our own.  We are living the Dream! So, what is your dream?  What are you praying for…longing for?  For what does your heart ache?

Dreams are full of hope and hope is what keeps us going when our world turns upside down?  You’re the Dreamer…the dream belongs to you.  Suddenly you find yourself face to face with a dream crusher, whatever form that takes.  Individual? Circumstantial?  Life?  God?  When life’s door bursts, open and hell rushes in to steal your dream…what to do when your world, turns against you?  A dream worthy of dreaming is a dream that has the potential to be pulverized into fine powder, blown away by a deep sigh of pain, and/or washed away by the torrent of tears that flood the soul taking any vestige of lingering hope, and leaving you with empty hands! And more importantly, a broken and bleeding heart.  How do you forgive the one who slams your dream to the ground, and stomps on it, whether intentionally or not?  What do you do when your dream goes up in smoke, and disintegrates right before your eyes?  You know it has been in the throes of death for a while, as you struggle to do many different resuscitation efforts (much like Sarah and Abraham).  Unwilling to acknowledge these death throes you dragged it around until the weight was more than you could carry.  It finally breathed its last and you rolled over with your heart in your stomach acknowledging…It’s Gone!    Your dream
​succumbed to death, taking a part of you with it. Hopelessness rises up within you, passion for life dies, heart shatters, lights go out, and depression moves in.  There is a palpable numbness about picking your head up off the pillow, and putting one foot in front of the other each day.  How does one keep from succumbing to the numbness in the deepest part of our being? Or perhaps you were caught suddenly in a tsunami, the doors of your life burst open and your dream suddenly disintegrated right before your eyes.  In either case, you have to deal with a crushed, and shattered dream that has suddenly gone up in smoke, right before your very eyes.

Tourists are always in a hurry, often impatient for results and not always sure of where they are going.
Pilgrims on the other hand are patient and set their sights on an ultimate goal.
 
Tourists visit only the attractive locations and do so only when convenient.
Pilgrims understand that not everything in life is attractive or convenient.
 
Tourists want everything to be very comfortable.
Pilgrims know there will be many difficult moments and accepts them as part of their life style.

Be sure and click the "read more" button.

…and so are you…how often do we really take the time to pay attention to what we have at the great expense of others that went before us?  Of course, we must acknowledge Jesus first and foremost.
 
“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”—Thucydides
 
I recall my heritage and the journey of all of those brave men and women willing to step out and follow a dream for something better than what they had.  We owe those that were brave enough to get on a boat, hardly as long as a tennis court, and set sail when, as far as your eye could see, was water.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
6 But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.
7 For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,
8 being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1:5-8
 
I have a word picture for you, but first let me explain something.  This scripture I have read countless of times.  When we face various trials, James tells us that if we lack wisdom ask, and ask in faith not doubting, for if we doubt we are tossed about like the surf of the sea…being a double minded man unstable in all our ways.
 
I have always looked at that scripture as when we ask for anything…and nearly all of the commentaries I read address this verse the same way… when we ask God for anything. I put it in the context with all the other scripture about asking in faith.   However, as I read it recently I noted that James starts the chapter giving us a specific directions on how to respond to our trials.  He instructs us to consider it pure joy when we encounter various trials, for we know the specific trial God allows will be the very thing that will produce endurance, and endurance in turn will produce in us a maturity and completeness, and we will be lacking in nothing. 
 
Then James explains that if we lack wisdom we should ask God to give us wisdom to know how to respond to this trial.  In addition, the next verse says that we must ask in faith.  Suddenly, I’m looking at this completely different now.  The instruction to ask in faith without wavering is directly connected to our asking for wisdom and believe that God will give wisdom if we do not doubt. 
 
James goes on to say that, our doubting causes us to be like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind and unstable.  So, here’s my word picture.
 

September 7, 2006 journal entry:
Sometimes life is just plain difficult.  This is a journal entry shortly after my husband passed.  Perhaps you've lost a loved one and can relate.

Subject: The pearls

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box “Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?”


Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face.

“A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them, I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma.”

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.  That’s because they are counterfeit.  Keep that in mind.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.

One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?”
“Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you.”

“Then give me your pearls.”
“Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She’s my very favorite.”
“That’s okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again, “Do you love me?”

“Daddy, you know I love you.”
“Give me your pearls.”

“Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper.”
 "That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you.“

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style.

As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?”
Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace.  With a little quiver, she finally said, “Here, daddy; this is for you.”

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny’s daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.
He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.  No more counterfeit.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.  Poor little Jenny was afraid she would lose out by giving up something that she was familiar with.  The fear of letting go kept her from getting the real blessing from her daddy.

Isn’t God good? Are you holding onto things that God wants you to let go of so he can bless you with his own presence and something far greater than what you are refusing to let go of. 

Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities, beliefs that you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing.

God will never take away something without giving you something of far greater value and much better in its place.
Will you trust him?

I want to…Help me Lord.

Charles Swindoll spoke on Revelation and was teaching on the Church of Philadelphia.  He stated that there is a world of opportunity out there.  I know that is true. I believe it.  But my heart hurts so badly.  He stated that too often, we sit in front of a closed door, crying for what should have been, mourning our dream gone sour, or a dream that has dried up and blown into the wind, for so long that we fail to get in on the opportunities in front of us because we are mourning at the closed door.  God has a plan and usually the closed door is the means by which he is trying to bring us to himself.  He wants to give us the blessing, but we can’t receive it because we are sitting at the closed door rather than looking in anticipation at the door of opportunities.  I am guilty as charged God. I admit it.  I have been sitting here crying and mourning my husband’s absence.  I miss him so terribly.  I feel like I have a heavy weight attached to my heart and it isn’t getting any better; what’s left of my heart anyway.  I think the stick of dynamite that went off, just blew my heart to bits. There is very little still intact.  Only enough to keep blood pumping through my veins for physical life.  The rest is lying down inside my gut, bleeding profusely. My life’s blood dripping from the part that is still attached…Will the pain ever end? Death? I’m sad that this thought even enters my mind.  Of course it is only a thought, but I get how Satan interjects that thought and then people go through with it, just to ease the pain.

 Here is the picture God gave me in my mind’s eye.  I remember watching a documentary, or a movie where someone is locked up in prison.  The metal door closing, sliding shut, and you can hear it lock into place as it slams shut…an awful sound.  That is the sound I hear.  The difference is that this door is solid metal…there are no bars…and it is slammed shut….then silence.  You, Babe, are on one side of the door, and I’m on the other.  We are so close, but so far away and I can’t reach you.  I know you are there, but I can’t touch you, see you, feel you….It is like that veil we are told about…where we can only see on this side of the veil, and we will have to wait to see what is on the other side…but right now…even though the metal door is thick, it seems so thin, because I know you are there, just on the other side…but at the same time, so thick, because I can’t touch it, see through it, or feel your presence here.  God help me!  I miss him…will the pain ever go away?

 I have already admitted my selfishness.  Seems like there is always a new reservoir of selfishness sitting in the bottom of my heart waiting to direct my path away from where I should be or what I should be focused on.   I admit that I have been selfish because I have been longing to go home to be with my Baby.  I long for that more than I long for going home to be with Jesus.  And yet I know that if I were to go home tonight, I would be more thrilled to be in the presence of Jesus that I would want to see Him before I saw my Baby.  That is what scripture tells me anyway.  So, I’m working on me and I’m allowing God to move me to the door of opportunities instead of crying at the door that is slammed shut.  Or picture it this way…you hold on to something…it’s inside your doubled up fist…squeezed shut…God wants to give you something better, but he can’t put anything in your hand because your fist is closed up and you are holding on so tight to the “old” that he cannot give you the “new.”

           I love you Babe,
God, help me grow up into what you want me to be…to do….I can’t…
God, help me go where you are sending….I can’t…
I’ll get there, but it will be you moving me. Help me! Please!  I want to move forward…I want to let go of what was, so I can embrace what is.  I want to move forward taking your memory with me.  I want to.  God will you move me, move me forward, please.
Journal entry Sept 7, 2006