Journey of Desire....
One filled with ups and downs
One filled with desire and longing
One filled with brokenness and pain
One filled with broken, and shattered dreams and expectations
My heart longs for the fulfillment of my dream
Longing to be loved
Longing to be touched deeply
Longing to be
All that I was meant to be
When my desire awakens and my heart reaches out for it
It seems to be just beyond my reach…always
It is out there
Out there somewhere
Somewhere…Somewhere, where I cannot reach
It is as if I’m grasping air
My heart aches and my tears fall and my anxiety rises
I twist and turn and think and groan
My mind is torn and goes up and down back and forth
Attempting to figure out how I can get what my longing heart desires…
I play chess every day, all day
I manipulate and maneuver everything that is manipuable, or maneuverable!
I figure and I constantly rearrange and try to figure this or that.
I cry and fret, and hurt, and question why, how, and what next…Until I am exhausted.
They say chess players go crazy…
I discover I cannot make anything happen and I’m killing myself
Dying a slow death from the inside out…starving…choking…gasping for air.
Something happens. I make a move… I step into a forbidden area to achieve my heart’s desire, my goal.
I sit back and feel smug that I have now accomplished a maneuver, I played chess well today…
Or so I thought.
The event comes back to haunt me.
I was called out
God put his finger in my chest and said “You did this!” Then I realize the reality of my decision. It isn’t my action that was so wrong…although it was
It was much more the condition of my heart.
I just became “Sarah.”
We all wonder how could Sarah do what she did?
How could she give Abraham her hand maiden to produce a child God said she would have?
Just look in the mirror Dear. You did it. You not only did it, you have done it numerous times before…
You just never saw it for what it really was…manipulation,
Maneuvering life, playing chess, and most of all not trusting God. You think that you can move that mountain? Think again. You don’t move the mountain…God does.
Desire. Desire drives us and when we don’t get our desire we fall on our face and kick, scream and cry at God for his lack of attention to us.
With enough blame to sink a ship!
And God will continue to let me kick and scream until I kick and scream myself to the point of exhaustion.
Now God is able to speak because maybe, just maybe, I’m quiet enough to listen.
He asks… “Are you done?”
God's question slaps me in the face with my actions
Sort of like when he asked Adam, "Where are you?"
With my unbelief
With my chess playing manipulating mentality
With my lack of trust
Suddenly I am thrown backwards. Flat on my back…with no place to look but upward.
Suddenly I sense something I’ve not felt before!
And I find myself unplugged…unplugged from the situation and aware that I’m unplugged
What is this? Strange indeed!
I’m unplugged. I don’t care. But I do care…But I don’t care.
I lay it down. Lay my burdens down. Suddenly I feel such a sense of release.
The air is going out of my striving heart!
I am no longer struggling, fearful…no longer striving!
I’m reminded again…be still! Cease striving and know that God is God!
How often do I not cease the striving…how often am I really still?
Still long enough to hear what he wants to say to me
What he wants to do with me
What he wants to do in me…in my circumstances.
I release my hold, my grip on what I want. I release my hold, my grip on what I think I deserve, and what I believe should be. I let go…I’m still standing in the same place, but I’m different.
My circumstances have not changed…there is still difficulty and frustration, but I’m changed. God has taken my burden. He took my burden because I opened my hand and let it go. God won’t wrestle my burden out of my hands, but he will most assuredly take it when I give it to him. Thank you Jesus. I am reminded of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace. They were free. They were no longer bound up…free and walking around with Jesus in the midst of the fire with them…free and walking around. Jesus took my burden. Come to me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Yes, indeed it is. Let it go. I give you my dream. I release the hold I have on my dream...and I give it to you Dear God…take my burden and give me yours instead.
FREEDOM! Thank you Jesus for setting me free. Free from me.
I long for more of you. I long to feel your touch. I long to hear your voice. I long to be led by you. Hallelujah…I long…I long for heaven. Yes, indeed I do…but I know that you are in charge of that…and my family, so I put that longing on hold and I’ll wait until the time is right for me to leave. I will be content. I am content. I sit in contentment. I’m free in my desire to be who you called me to be. No more Striving…
Thank you Jesus…You are indeed Lord.
And I am Yours....
September 15, 2015