<![CDATA[Journey of my Heart - Blog]]>Mon, 23 Mar 2026 04:31:38 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Humility...What it is...What it Isn't]]>Sat, 10 Jan 2026 17:46:08 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/humilitywhat-it-iswhat-it-isntHumility is one of the most important attitudes in emotional maturity, spiritual life, and healthy relationships. It’s also one of the most misunderstood attitudes.

Growing up in Trauma and messages that shamed, silenced confused us—makes humility very difficult, and chances are we’ve developed some distorted ideas about what it means to be humble.
Let’s clear something up right away:
Humility is not shame. It’s not putting yourself down, denying your needs or erasing your voice.
True humility is seeing yourself accurately—as no more and no less valuable than anyone else. It means recognizing your worth, your limitations, your strengths and your place among others. It’s grounded, honest and deeply respectful of both yourself and others.
However, false messages we receive from imperfect parents, our culture, and/or our church can easily twist that. We might have been taught things like:
  • "Pride comes before a fall." This is true and it was Peter's demise since he believed he was capable in his own strength.
  • "Boasting is evil." Boasting is just what it says...boasting...which may have been in Peter's statement that he would follow Jesus to the death if need be.
  • "Don't think too highly of yourself." I think we all do this at times since we may be trying to convince ourselves or someone else.  Paul tells us..."For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."  Receive the grace God has given.
  • "Live for God. Die to yourself." This is also a true statement but when we do not understand the concept of yielding our whole heart to Jesus, and the reason for that, it does become confusing.
These phrases are true when used in the right context and rightly understood—but for many survivors of trauma, they’ve been weaponized. Instead of fostering humility, they’ve fostered silence, fear, and shame.
TRAUMA AND HUMILITY
Trauma teaches us that the world isn’t safe. It tells us that in order to survive, we either need to control everything (a form of pride) or disappear completely (a form of shame). Both extremes are survival strategies—not true humility.
See if any of these resonate:
  • Saying "I'm fine" even when you're not.
  • Letting others take advantage of you to keep the peace and avoid conflict.
  • Suppressing your emotions and never asking for help.
  • Believing that having needs is a sign of weakness.
  • Hiding or feeling ashamed of your accomplishments or gifts.
These are not signs of humility. They are signs of fear. True humility is not about disappearing, becoming invisible…it’s about showing up as we are—imperfect, honest, and willing to grow—and being okay with that.
HEALTHY HUMILITY
Let’s take a look at twelve aspects of healthy humility:
  1. Seeing ourselves and life accurately in relation to God, ourselves and others.
  2. Seeing ourselves as equal to others. It’s not about being better-than, less-than or needing to “prove ourselves”, but accepting ourselves for who we are. 
  3. Respecting ourselves. Being humble does not mean being used or a doormat. Humility sets healthy boundaries, speaks up when mistreated and expects mutual respect. It values dignity in every relationship. It is standing in the middle ground...Assertiveness. Assertiveness values yourself, your opinions, but it also values the other person's opinion. Not being passive, nor being aggressive, but speaking the truth in love.

    Note: Some people have been taught that “submission” means allowing others to control them. True submission assumes both people are honouring each other. One-sided submission is not humility—it’s harm. We are told in Ephesians 5:21, "Submit one to another."
  4. Being teachable. Humility is open to correction, even from people we don’t like or agree with. It asks questions, admits when it doesn’t know, and reaches out for help without shame. It is an emotionally healthy stance that wants to grow and is willing to hear the truth about the shadow side of ourselves.
  5. Admitting wrong. Humility apologizes without excuses. It doesn’t shift blame or minimize harm. It’s willing to say, “I was wrong,” and then take steps to offer reparations and to heal heart wounds.
  6. Accepting our weaknesses. Humility is able to be genuine and doesn’t hide behind masks. It doesn’t compare itself to others or beat itself up for being broken. Humility owns failure, learns from it, makes amends, and forgives self.
  7. Accepting others. Humility makes space for others to be imperfect too. It’s patient with mess, noise, emotions and delays. Pride says, “You’re ruining my day.” Humility says, “You matter too, how can we fix this.  It is a "win-win" mindset. (See Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
  8. Celebrating others’ strengths. Humility doesn’t feel threatened when others succeed. Here are some questions we can ask ourselves:
    1. How do I respond when others get more praise than I do?
    2. Do I become critical of my competition or can I appreciate their gifts and strengths?
  9. Realizing we are not self-sufficient. Humility knows no one can meet all their own needs. It receives gifts or help without guilt, knowing that being human means needing others. It says, “Thank you,” not, “Now I owe you.”
  10. Willing to serve. Humility helps without needing recognition. Pride serves to make one feel important. Codependency serves to earn love. Humility gives without strings or hidden motives, expecting nothing in return (Luke 6:35).
  11. Not bragging or always needing to look good. Humility is about being genuine, not about keeping up an “image”. It’s willing to laugh about its own quirks and doesn’t fish for compliments by putting itself down (a subtle form of pride). 
  12. Having an attitude of gratefulness. Humility is rooted in gratitude, not entitlement. It doesn’t say, “You owe me.” It says, “I’m thankful.”
PRACTICAL EXAMPLES OF HUMILITY
Practicing humility isn’t always about grand gestures. It's usually about small, daily choices that you make, over and over:
  • You forget an appointment or make a mistake at work. Shame says, “I'm a failure.” Humility says, “I messed up and that’s okay. I’ll make it right and learn from it.”
  • Your partner has different needs than you. Pride demands control. Humility negotiates and listens, aiming to meet both of your needs.
  • You feel overwhelmed or anxious and can’t keep up with everything. Pride says, “I should be able to handle this on my own.” Humility says, “I’m human. I need rest and support like everyone else.”
  • Pride says, “I’ve messed up big time, and I don’t deserve forgiveness.” Humility says, “God’s grace is bigger than my failure and I choose to receive this gift.”
HUMILITY IS A CHOICE
                Coming from Trauma of any kind, humility is scary, but Complex Trauma, even more so. It can feel like weakness and raise deep fears that our needs won’t be met, that we will be hurt if we show our true selves. However, we can’t heal without humility, nor can we grow up emotionally. It allows us to feel safe through being seen, loved, and known for who we really are.
Pride promises protection. It says, “If I stay in control, if I never show the real me, no one can hurt me.” However, it is a lie and leaves us isolated, exhausted, and emotionally numb. It's not safe because we always have to hide. And that in and of itself will cause more pain because that is not how God created us to function in this world…alone.  He said when he created Adam…”It is not good that man should be alone.”
 
                Here’s the key: humility is not necessarily a feeling—it’s a choice.
You may not feel valuable, but you can choose to believe and act like you are. You may not feel humble when you choose to be honest. It may feel strange the first time you choose to accept yourself or celebrate a win. 
 
                You might actually feel more frustrated, triggered, or anxious than anything else, at least at first. Growth always involves a learning curve…always.  Coming from Complex Trauma, having those feelings around humility and showing our true selves is normal and has been your young child’s adaptive way of protecting yourself in a dangerous world.
                Acknowledge those thoughts and feelings without judgment, but don't stay stuck there. Write them down unfiltered and think about how to take small steps forward. Choose to take steps toward humility: show a bit more of your real self; reach out for help; write down one or two small things you’re grateful for. 
 GOD REACHES FOR THE HUMBLE
                In the Christmas story, the angels didn’t announce Jesus’ birth to kings, scholars or priests. They appeared to shepherds—men seen as dirty, low-class, and unclean at this time in Jewish history. God invited shepherds to be the first visitors to the newborn king.
                Why? Because God doesn’t care about status. God looks at the heart. He draws near to those who feel small, left out, or unworthy. Not to shame them—but to show that they belong.
                He doesn’t expect us to “fix ourselves” before we come to him. He doesn’t expect us to have our act together or have all the “right emotions”. He meets us where we are and helps to grow us up.
                You don’t need to prove yourself to be worth loving. You already are.
                Learning to walk in humility—slowly, gently, imperfectly—is making small choices to step into emotional growth and maturity and is one of the bravest steps toward healing that you can take.
“The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, that he may support those whose heart is completely his.” 2 Chronicles 16:9...
CHOOSE LIFE!

]]><![CDATA[RESPONSIBLE FOR . . . RESPONSIBLE TO]]>Thu, 01 Jan 2026 19:09:14 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/responsible-for-responsible-toThere is a common misunderstanding regarding what it is to have a “responsible relationship” with someone. Indeed, there is a fundamental difference between being responsible to someone vs. versus responsible for someone (assuming responsibility for them their actions and emotions).

When we take responsibility for someone else’s life, we typically assume the emotional or financial baggage they carry or in this case are not carrying. Taking on such extra weight can consume our time, money, and emotional energy and lead to self-neglect, self-abandonment, frustration, and low self-esteem in ourselves and in the other person.

Honoring our commitments and responsibilities is part of what it is to be a true grown-up, being emotionally mature. Being consciously responsible to ourselves and others means doing what we say we will do; by showing up on time, telling the truth, finishing our assignments, and providing for ourselves and giving our best to the task at hand, and owning our mistakes when we fail to act emotionally mature.

It can be challenging however, when we see a family member or close friend needing help, especially if we are in a position to give it; we may feel obligated for many reasons. In that moment it is important to ask, “Am I giving from a place of guilt or pity or am I trying to feel better about me and/or avoid conflict or disaster. Is what I offer truly helpful or does my “help” reinforce their idea of themselves as being helpless and incapable? There is the possibility that we are contributing to something that our culture dishes out subtly…entitlement. Someone owes me something.

Helping someone out of a predicament or two when they are in need can be a charitable deed. However, falling into a habit of paying their bills, repeatedly coming to their rescue, or making excuses for their poor choices is not good for them or us. When we continuously play the part of Rescuer to Victim, we are not truly helping - as a matter of fact it often results in causing more harm than good, by reinforcing a sense of helpless, hopelessness and entitlement in them.

Instead of empowering them to believe in their own capability to handle life, we render them dependent and incompetent. True support comes from allowing our friends and loved ones especially to experience the consequences of their choices; whatever they are. Maturity comes from learning from our own painful past and allowing others the same privilege. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones is to get out of God’s way and allow Him to get their attention to change their lackadaisical and/or bad choices and handle their own life challenges.

Let's look at some examples of the language we use as Rescuers on the Victim Triangle:
The Rescuer Says, or at least thinks….
·       "Perhaps they can't handle it. I will need to help."
·       "There could be irreparable damage if I do not step in.”
·       “She/he is sick, too fragile physically, emotionally; I must help.”

We are most respectful when we refuse to treat our loved ones as if they can't handle life.

Healthy Messages to Send:
·       "How you handle your life and the decisions you make is your business, not mine."
·       "I trust your process and God’s process in you and your ability. I believe you can do it.”
·       "I love watching God at work in your life.  We all need to grow into emotionally healthy adults by making new and different healthy choices every day.”

By assuming responsibility for someone, we could find ourselves feeling resentful, tired, and fearful the other person will be angry with me.  We might even begin to avoid that person or dread contact fearful they will pressure me to give something that will again find me taking care of something that is not mine to take care of. If I am making decisions based on emotions vs logical thinking choices, then I am carrying and taking responsibility for their emotions. If I’m not an emotionally healthy person, I will acquiesce by picking up what is not mine to carry, feeling, exhausted, taken advantage of, and frustrated. This is a good indication I am making decisions from my emotional thinking brain vs my logical thinking brain.
]]><![CDATA[To My One and Only]]>Sat, 13 Dec 2025 20:55:52 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/to-my-one-and-onlyYesterday would have been our 56th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, my husband changed his address to "Mansion in the Sky" in 2006.  This was a poem I wrote to him after 18 years of marriage.  Twenty-six years later through lots of emotional storms he did not remember this when I reminded him.  So, I presented it  to him again; thus you will see two dates mentioned. Then he wrote his response to me.


To My One and Only

To the one who loved me first,
To the one who said, “Take my hand.”
To the one who said, “For better or for worse.”
To the one who is my man.
 
To the one who gave me his name,
To the one who wanted to be my friend,
To the one who made few promises to claim,
To the one who did promise, “Our love will never end!”
 
To the one who had a lot of growing up to do,
To the one who caused a lot of growing up in me,
To the one who said, “Your sky will be blue.”
To the one who said, “Our love will be free.”
 
Yes, you were the one I love, and you still are,
We ventured out on life’s boat together,
The waves were high at times, and dark clouds covered our skies
But God held onto us, when we knew no better.
 
Yes, we both wanted out of the boat at times,
And more than once we were sure it would capsize!
But God knew best and had his hand upon our lives,
And we sailed on, determined to see our sunrise.
 
You made a commitment to God and to me,
And I made one to God and to you,
When nothing else was visible,
That’s what we held on to.
 
So here we are 18/26 years later
The clouds still gather and the sun still sets
But when the rain stops and the clouds blow away
Our love still shines brighter yet.
 
Yes, you are still the man of my dreams,
The only change is from fantasy to reality,
I also long to be the woman of your dreams
With God’s help, I will do my best to meet your needs.
 
Yes, our love will continue to grow
Together we will continue to pursue our course
We will love more as our roots grow deeper
We will show our kiddos, love is a choice, not a feeling.
 
I love you with all my heart,
And I appreciate your love for me,
Through our commitment, we’ll continue as from the start
Together, and with God’s help, we will conquer Life’s sea!
 
We will finish with stars shinning bright,
We will one day again, sit and hold hands in the moonlight.
All we will have we will have given,
And we will, sit, rock and smile, because we reached our heaven.
 
Love you Babe,
January 30, 1987

My Husband’s Response to me
 
God Is Faithful

To My Love, My Passion, My Life, My Wife

God is faithful and God is true,
And now your husband comes to you,
He comes not with what the world imparts,
But with the love of Jesus in his heart.
 
Only now do I truly understand,
What God can do when we are in His hand,
All the days forward, I will love you, as God intended,
May your cup be full…never ending.
 
The prophecy that you wrote long ago,
Has filled my heart with a glow,
I finish with your words that have come true,
With the assurance that they are a blessing to me and to you.
 
We will finish with stars bright,
We will one day sit and hold hands in the moonlight,
All we have, we will have given,
And we will sit, rock, and smile, because we have reached our heaven.
 
I love you with every fiber of my being!
Your husband---Dad.
 February 13, 1998
 
]]><![CDATA[MY PLAN]]>Thu, 11 Dec 2025 03:10:32 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/my-planI ventured out on Life’s sea,
It has been called that from time and eternity,
I move and live and take my breath,
Oblivious to the tangled web I will weave,
 
I made my plans, I sewed my seeds,
Not realizing, I’m sowing and I will reap
I’m not concerned; I know what I want and where I am going
As I make my plans for how my life will be.
 
I continue to chart my life’s course in this sea,
Sometimes in forbidden waters, just to see what I can see,
I think my mind is making the choices,
Oblivious to the silent beating of my heart’s tapestry.
 
Suddenly, in the distance, the clouds begin to gather
And the winds begin to blow
The rain begins, the torrents beat upon my house
This life is indeed becoming a very bumpy road
 
Fear sets in, disaster is looming
Gradually, I begin to realize just how little I know
I look back at the crossroads,
God was there, watching me go.
 
Why didn’t you stop me, in anger I scream
You knew, and You were able,
Silently You stood and let me go,
Watching me, and the breaking of my dream
 
My ears could not hear You at all, not a sound
Determined, hard headed, and on my way
I don’t realize that the way up, is down
And there will be a heavy price to pay.
 
No one listens! No one sees the danger!
We are headed for disaster!  Our boat is going under!
There are sharks out there! No wait! The sharks are in our boat!
It’s me…and him…We are tearing each other apart!
 
My attempt to make things right, fails
My plan, my motives meet with disaster
One door closes, I try another
I am determined; I will not be taken under.
The years go by, and onward, I struggle
No one sees!  No one really cares!
Come this way, I scream!
I have the only answer for us all. God, please help us, is my prayer.
 
No one is listening,
I can’t make them hear!
I can’t make them stop!
I hear a voice!  Go ahead, leave, bail out.
They really don’t care!
 
What difference would it make?
If you are no longer here
They would have peace and calm,
Not even noticing that you were gone!
 
No stop! I can’t do that!
God died for this day, and a sin like that.
He promises to walk with me all the way.
He promised by his grace….
 
I can’t accept the answer is “No.”
God really?  My dream?
Death? Death of me?  Death of my Dream?
Yes, both, you say. “You only need Me!”
 
I can’t let go…It’s my dream
It’s my life.
Yes, life!  The exchanged life!
Death for life!
 
Reality is here! Painful reality
Why must it be so…
I give up, I give in,
I’ll let my dream go.
 
My dream, it is gone. Death!
A new dream comes.
A longing, a desire for You
My dream that You will be my love
And carry me across the shattered pieces
That my choices left strewn all around.
 
You came!
You’re here!
And together, if You’ll walk with me,
I can, I will survive and I will thrive.
Thank you for life,
All wrapped up in You.
You promise me life.
Your life for mine,
How could I have been so blind?
 
All along, happiness was what I sought
Now, flat on my back
Holiness is what you wrought,
When there is no place to look but up.
 
The truth has set me free.
The truth about you,
And the truth about me.
The Good shepherd has brought me to the end of me.
Thank you, Jesus, I’ve been set free.  Free from me.
 
It’s true, your word is right,
Your grace is enough…in the darkest of nights.
Freedom comes, freedom from the idol I’ve erected,
It is torn down, it's shattered and it is true.
Your yoke is easy and your burden is light
I’m free, free even in the darkest night.
 
Carol Greenberg
June 16, 2012

]]><![CDATA[7,293 Days and 13,301 Days]]>Wed, 12 Nov 2025 02:38:52 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/7293-days-and-13301-days      Check this out.  These days are synonymous with two significant events that bears remembering.  The first date of 7,305 days is how many days from my husband’s birthdate until the day he was wounded in Viet Nam by friendly fire. The 13,140 days represents the number of days my husband, Gene Greenberg and I were married.  It represents all the hard and grueling days of agony we spent torturing one another with our own stupid expectations, words and expressing those expectations, and wanting our own way.  However, it also represents all the wonderful moments we captured to remember and reflect on how God orchestrated the events that brought us to an end of ourselves, and how He orchestrated the miracle within our hearts that played out in real time to create the marriage we dreamt about. 
      We managed to create a disaster during the few first years that just about destroyed us.  I reflect on some of the disagreements we had back then and if I had made a list of all the things we argued about it would be laughable…to ourselves and to others as well.  I’m sure of it.
     Today is Veteran’s Day.  My hero, my prince, has been gone for 19 years; he passed in 2006.  Today is the day we remember all the sacrifices veterans have made for us to have all the freedom’s we enjoy.  He came home from Viet Nam to a divided world over the war.  He and many other Vets had a hard time not taking the protest of the war personally.  His comment was, “We were hearing bullets whiz over our heads and watching our comrades, our buddies, get blown apart while we hear and “feel” the hatred and protest about what we were doing.”  Being able to step back from that a little as a more mature adult and farther removed from the fire in his belly he could rationalize what happened and be proud that he was a part of something bigger than himself.  Gene being wounded by friendly fire, makes the pain of all of that harder to swallow.  But he did process it to a place where he was no longer angry and bitter.  He accepted his role there and then came to realize why he came home.  He told me he figured out that God wanted him to tell others about the peace he found in Jesus and encourage them to do the same.
      Part of our struggle was because of Viet Nam and how his heart was so wounded, but it was also about both of our immaturity as we thought we knew what we were doing when we planned on getting married with me being 17 and him just 3 days away from his 21st birthday. Others thought we were “out of our mind,” particularly my parents.
      I’m writing on this day when others are remembering so many memories of their sacrifice, the sacrifice of their comrades, and the families of those comrades.  I never want to forget their sacrifices, and I lift them up to God to comfort, heal, and restore the joy so many of them lost on that battlefield.
     God is a good God, and he orchestrates our lives whether we believe that or not. He is always working even though we cannot visibly see it. Where was God when___?  I always say He was on His throne, the same place He was when Jesus was crucified on that cruel cross so long ago for each one of us, for me, for Gene and for our marriage to be all that he created it to be.  If you will tap into His life giving power, you too can experience the grace to become all that He meant for you to be in every area of your life.
Thank you, Jesus.


]]><![CDATA[What Am I Thankful For?]]>Sun, 14 Sep 2025 04:16:26 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/what-am-i-thankful-forDear God,
                I thank you for raising up, Charlie Kirk.  I thank you for empowering him to follow The Call you placed in his heart for You and for Your Kingdom to redeem what our culture and the enemy has stolen from our young people, even though it seems from our view, his life was cut so short. But we choose to embrace the truth that your plan is different from ours. Remember God has a plan.  He tells us in Isaiah 55:8-9, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
 
                Know—Serve—Do.  Charlie Kirk lived this every day.  Martin Luther King Jr. entitled his speech, “I Have a Dream.”  Charlie also had a dream, and he lived it out every single day. I believe that in this horrific event, Charlie’s impact will be greater than we could ever imagine. In that sense, as painful as it is, we are confident that You God, will redeem this awful, horrendous, miserable disaster to do what Your Word Charlie sent it forth to do.
 
                It appears that Satan won this one—he did not—we cannot see what God sees, and we do not understand what God understands. But we do know that God is in control and Satan is defeated. We can ask the question, “Why?”  But we will probably never get an answer.  Perhaps the better question is “What now?”
 
                Our warriors pay the ultimate price by giving their life, on real physical battle grounds on soil in faraway places, to answer the call to defend our great nation and keep the freedoms of our United States of America. Charlie gave the ultimate sacrifice, his life, the ultimate sacrifice on the spiritual battlefield, between good and evil, on our own soil. It was God’s call that moved him out into the spiritual battlefield in the exchange of ideas where evil raged and the battle was clear and defined, knowing the risk. The battlefield of spiritual warfare.
 
                God has always desired to use His people to work in the world on the spiritual stage between good and evil. It may appear to some that evil won. But we know better.  We know this because we know that God is sovereign and God is still on His throne and God is still in control. God allowed! God allowed! God allowed! That is a hard concept to grasp and embrace. But God is sovereign, and He has a much bigger plan that we cannot see nor understand.
 
                Erika and his children also paid the ultimate price to fight an invisible enemy so these young people can be set free from the slavery and the lies they believe.  This was Charlie Kirk’s dream.  That our future, the younger generation, would rise up and stand to reclaim our great nation.  It has been said, Charlie Kirk was this young generation’s Rush Limbaugh—perhaps—as Charlie’s message carried a resounding clarion call to point them to Jesus’ sacrifice for every one of those young people to be set free from the lies and deception Satan and our culture has perpetrated on them. Thank you, Jesus; we know you will redeem this for your perfect plan and the furtherance of your gospel of grace and truth. Charlie said if he was remembered for anything, he would want to be remembered for having courage for his faith. I believe that happened. We will see many more young people come to their knees and embrace the gospel of salvation.  We have already heard of several who are heart broken and Charlie’s words are sinking deep into their hearts. One young lady grieving Charlie’s death was saved in the parking lot of a church.  The ears of her heart were opened and she believed the message Charlie spoke. 
 
                God we are asking that You will show Yourself in this dark hour in Erika’s shattered heart, in the dark hour of his children’s hearts as they come to understand this awful tragedy, in the dark hour in his parents’ heart, in the dark hour of his friends, in the dark hour of our own broken hearts and in the dark hour of our nation. We are told that Charlie asked his wife daily, “How can I serve you today?”  He took on the mantle of Jesus Christ and he served Erika daily. I pray every man will take on this mantle to serve their wife.
               
                We do not understand. We are heartbroken that Charlie’s children will not know their dad. We do not have to understand.  If we could figure it out, God would not be God. James Dobson stated, “When you cannot see His hand, follow His heart.”  We also know that God is for us. “If God is for us, then who can be against us, Romans 8:31. There may be evil to rise up against us, but that evil will not prevail.  We will stand with Him, and He will win.
 
                When God says that His Word will not return to Him void, we understand that God is sovereign. The promise is that God’s Word will accomplish what He wants it to, not necessarily what we want it to. Like the wind that “blows wherever it pleases,” the Holy Spirit moves in mysterious ways (John 3:8). And God may use His Word in surprising ways, at surprising times, and in surprising people. Likewise, it may be disappointing, and devastating, as in this tragedy.  We can’t predict exactly how God will use His Word since He is God, and we are not.
 
                God is for Erika; God is for their children.
God is a good God.  God is a good, good Father. God is for all of us. God will redeem this. We are fully confident; God will redeem this, of that we are fully confident—truly confident.  God is—God is in control.
Thank you, Jesus. Amen and Amen.
           

]]><![CDATA[Today—This day]]>Sat, 14 Jun 2025 20:17:00 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/today-this-day​Today, this day,
I chose to believe
I am a child of God
I choose to believe
I am accepted in the Beloved
I choose to believe
You choose to love me
Beyond anything I can imagine.
 
Today, this day,
I choose to trust You
I choose to believe
You are with me
Always
You are preparing a place for me
You will return
You will keep Your promise.
 
I sit and ponder my failures
There are many of them
Enter shame
Enter failure
But then I hear Your voice
The way up is down.
 
I went down to the depths of hell
I paid your penalty
The price: death
Death on the cross.
Physical death
On the cross
Spiritual death
On the cross
I paid the price
Taking on separation from Father
For your sin
I took it
On myself for you.
 
Did He turn away
It seemed like He did
It seemed like I was alone
It seemed like I was abandoned and alone.
 
But God
It was God’s plan
The only way
The God man
An earthly man that could die
But also, God that could be resurrected
The only answer for man’s dilemma.
 
After death
He was resurrected
He returned to Father
My faith and trust in Him
Will place me in God’s family
As a Child of the King.
 
When I die
I will be resurrected
My body will be resurrected
To join my spirit and soul
To live forever with Jesus
Jesus, My Heavenly Bridegroom
And My Abba Father.
 
I choose to believe in God the Father
I choose to believe in Jesus the Son
I choose to believe in the Holy Spirit
The only God
The Three-in-one
I choose to believe.
 
God, My heavenly Father
Loves me beyond
What my earthly father could
I choose to believe
I’m His special child
Chosen
And bought with a price.

I am in the beloved
God is my refuge
My safe place
I choose to embrace God’s truth
Do you?
God has my best interests at heart
God watches over everything about me
Faith is needed
To please God
I choose to believe
 
God’s word is true
I am relieved
From all of my anxiety
When I choose to rest and believe
God will bring me
To the other side
 
I can rest
In the palm of His hand
My name is engraved there
I can choose to stand
In truth
In faith
In Trust
As I rest there.
 
Are you?
Choosing to rest there?
Choosing to rest in His arms?
Choosing to trust?
Are you choosing Him?
Are you choosing to rest?
In Him?
Are you?
 
 
 
 
 

Are you?
]]><![CDATA[The Silence of God]]>Sat, 22 Mar 2025 22:20:25 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/the-silence-of-god“He who has ears to hear, let him hear."  Matt 11:15

“ Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle.  To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” —Fred Rogers

I'm attempting to write a book.  I've been attempting this for way too long...several years now.  It is about me growing up to be an emotionally healthy adult and how God transformed me when I quit pointing my finger at my husband.

This is an excerpt from Chapter 14

Along this pathway, God became very silent. I groaned, moaned, complained, and whined. I blamed Gene for breaking all the rules. He really wasn’t breaking all the rules, just all of mine and how I believed things should be done. When I couldn’t get him to fall in line, I pointed my finger at God and asked, “Are you really going to let him treat me this way? Really?” I look back now and understand why God was so silent. He doesn’t take too kindly to a spirit of entitlement. I was wearing it well and still digging my hole. Gene’s way versus my way . . . not necessarily wrong, just different. I thought it was him, but really, we were both wrong! You have heard the statement, “It takes two to tango. Might I add here, that if you think the problem is “out there”…that’s the problem.  Trust me…been there done that.
 
Pictures speak loud and clear. This insight came only after I had disciplined my children many times, sat with them with their reactions to my discipline. Crying, angry young children are in no frame of mind to listen to explanations of why they received discipline. The brain doesn’t work that way. However, there comes a time, after they have calmed down, and they are sad, rather than mad, that they would come back and sit in my lap to be comforted. Then I could explain why they needed discipline. It is at this point that I say with great love, “This is the reason mommy had to . . ..” Now they can listen and receive what I’m saying because the brain is calm, and the pre-frontal cortex is back online, and listening and understanding is now functional.
               
                                                                                  The Armor is Cracking
DANGER AHEAD! BRIDGE OUT! We missed the signs. I remember thinking something is terribly wrong here. I had what I thought was a pretty good plan worked out in my mind. I read that in the Bible somewhere! NOT! I read and then created my own reality—if you do this, then this will happen. Where did I go wrong? Still a bit blind to the truth, I’m sure you would agree. I forgot or didn’t know about that little verse in Proverbs 14:12 that reads, “There is a way that seems right, but the end is death!  I began to consider all my Bible school, upbringing, and what I knew was true about God. This was some clear thinking for a moment. I decided only one of two things could be true: either God was the God I learned about growing up, or there was something wrong with me. I decided to trust the truth I knew about God; therefore, decided there must be something wrong with me.” I suddenly realized a bigger truth. When I started on my “very grown-up journey,” I tucked Jesus in my back pocket and said, “Let’s go this way.” About eight years into this journey, as it was all falling apart, I looked back over my shoulder, and saw Jesus standing at the crossroads, just standing there watching me. I wonder if that’s what the prodigal son’s dad did, just looked down the road watching him go. (Luke 15:11)
I realized I had been in the pilot seat all these years trying to tell God what I was going to do, figure out how I was going to do it, and get the results I envisioned, and I expected Him to be on board! UGH! Now I had to return to the crossroads and start over again. I went back and repented of my short-sightedness. I handed Jesus the steering wheel and promised to let him drive. This becomes a reoccurring theme in my life, repenting of my short-sightedness. We were muddling through the dark forest called the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I continued to unravel emotionally. To make a long story short, I was just beginning to realize I was a huge, may I repeat, a huge part of the problem. A God coincidence? Mind you, I was still pointing my finger at Gene. A man asked another man, “What is the greatest threat to your marriage?”  The man answered, “I am.”  G.K. Chesterton responded to a similar question, “What is wrong with the world?”  At the end of his short response, he wrote back with only one sentence, “I am.”

I was at the altar at church bawling my eyes out, begging God to fix my marriage—or better, this was another of many “fix my husband moments,”—when a Sunday School teacher knelt beside me and asked, “Carol, why do you want Gene to become a Christian?” Well, my pea brain was thinking in nanoseconds. “What?” Surely this must be a trick question? Isn’t it obvious? It seemed rather obvious to me that it would help our marriage if he would straighten up and “fly right!” My right! So, I did not answer with the obvious reply. I waited. Then this godly man asked me a second question. “Do you want Gene to become a Christian so he will become a better father and a better husband, or do you want him to become a Christian so he will be a better son, and God will be glorified?”

OH MY! UGH! Suddenly the revelation hit, the lights came on, and I recognized the selfishness of my prayer. I wanted Gene to give his life to Jesus for selfish reasons—I did want him to be a better father and a better husband more than I wanted him to be a man that would bring glory to God. Ouch! First-order desire fulfilled, and second-order desire follows. Imagine that? My desire for my husband to be the spiritual leader of our home is legitimate, but that needs to be my second-order desire. My first-order desire would be that I would be transformed in this journey; God would be enough for me, even if my husband never became the spiritual leader of our family, and Gene would find God along the way as well. I hate to admit this, but that wasn’t anywhere on my radar! Ugh! Nailed! Re-focus! So, I repented and prayed:
 
God, please change my heart, open his spiritual eyes and ears, and let Him hear for himself. Let him hear so he can be a better son to you, so he can give you glory and praise. So, he can show others your grace and glory. Praise God for first things first. All else is secondary. His relationship with you God is first and foremost. I can wait because of Jesus; God will work out those things that are not just exactly right. And please teach me to be patient, to focus on myself to become the person You want me to be if he never, ever, changes!
 

When you have been called out and set straight...repentance is a good thing and the only response.

If you think the problem is  "out there!"  That's the problem.  God is working on you! 
 

]]><![CDATA[SHAME]]>Wed, 12 Mar 2025 17:37:01 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/shameWhat is it?  What does it mean? What to do about it?
The first mention of shame in the Bible Is in the Garden when Adam and Eve fled from God’s presence because they had disobeyed Him and were well aware that things were very different.

Scripture tells us initially “They were naked and not ashamed.”  Then suddenly one act of disobedience and now we read, they were naked and hid themselves because they were ashamed! 

I remember reading this as a child, thinking naked meant naked…no clothes on.  I am sure that's true since Adam and Eve had no need for clothing in a perfect environment, and I do mean perfect.  Perfect harmony first with themselves, second with each other and most of all with God. There was delight in everything, imagine that? This is harmony at its finest.  The complementary rolls that God had established to work in perfection no longer worked as God intended. The woman would have a sin tendency to disrespect her man’s role of leadership and the man in his sinfulness would tend to abuse his authority and even crush the woman.

Both have great difficulty stepping into their role as God created. Both can be aggressive demanding and or passive, avoiding. Now emotions are heavy and hard and difficult, and we attempt to avoid them at all costs.  We attempt to avoid pain, in any way possible, escaping reality.

In our journey of the life that we are now living we try to escape the bludgeons of assault, betrayal, passion and loss. For most of us the easiest emotion to express is anger…which hides what we are really feeling.  This anger covers over and kills any other emotion that we feel, as it is always a secondary emotion. We feel hurt, confusion, sad, then anger. We escape sadness by opting for shame and we bypass loss by giving into jealousy or resentment. We use one emotion on top of the first to hide from one another, and to escape the pain that we feel.

Our emotions reveal how we’re doing with God.
Am I moving toward God with awe and gratitude or am I turning away creating false gods? As we turn away, we turn to anything that will ease the pain, the hurt and remove the burning like fire feeling inside of us.  We turn to may offerings, food, alcohol drugs, shopping, exercising, screen time, scrolling, numbing out on the 10th reel we’ve just watched, and now we have new ways to numb our pain… Cutting...Anything we turn to other than God becomes an idol. Before we had screens of all sizes, we had TVs. We could sit and veg out in front of the TV hour after hour, day after day. This is what my husband did when he was in the hospital in Japan after being wounded in Vietnam. There weren’t many options with his arm in traction.  His day consisted of meeting with doctors, procedures and more procedures, going through physical therapy, sitting in bed, watching TV, eating, sleeping, day after day…repeat.  Of course, I’m not sure what else one does when every movement hurts, even breathing hurts. There wasn’t a lot of other options. God uses all our emotions to reveal us to us, he’s revealing our heart to us if we stop long enough to listen. How can we understand God’s righteous and holy jealousy for us, for his people if we don’t experience our own human envy and jealousy; however, ours is much different from God’s.  To comprehend deeply the heart of God, we must seek to understand and feel and experience and deal with these emotions he gave us. 

Both jealousy and envy involve a furious demand that our soul not suffer. His jealousy is pure and holy because he loves us and wants us close to him and he knows what’s out there that will destroy. The heart is an idol making machine…much like children’s bubble machine.  Running to that “thing” is creating an idol as we attempt to protect self from any possibility of pain.  Despair is a refusal to struggle… the fear of hoping lest I be disappointed. First by choice and it just becomes what we do, automatically without thinking. Losing the ability to hope, and continue the struggle, despair sets in.

SHAME - Good, Godly healthy shame vs toxic shame
  • Guilt – based on our actions: I did something wrong
  • Shame says there is something wrong with me.
  • Healthy, Godly, rightful, holy shame is a good thing. It keeps us from stepping of the boundaries But toxic shame keeps us in bondage and the fear of being exposed, making a mistake and being discovered as phony.
  • Shame then comes in, exposes my failure and I get stuck in it.  I demean myself as it becomes something sinister, and toxic.
  • Shame exposes me as ugly beyond words. Nothing cuts to the core so personally as shame. It justifies avoidance and sometimes violence. Our fear of being exposed will cause us to retreat and protect ourselves at any cost. I condemn myself and speak to myself, name calling, with perfected character assassination causing a slow but inevitable death of me – the real me, God created me to be…free. 
  • Shame is a flight from intimacy. Shame is withdrawal, isolation, drains energy and withers our desire to engage. It’s one of our deepest fears of being caught without defense, without cover and condemned to unrelenting humiliation.
 
We hide…just as Adam and Even did, from others and from ourselves.

Consider these 4 emotions.
  • Anger
  • Grief
  • Shame
  • Sadness

I'll pick this up here this next time.  Stay tuned.

]]><![CDATA[Choose This Day Whom You Will Serve]]>Sat, 12 Oct 2024 17:49:59 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/choose-this-day-whom-you-will-serve      I'm thinking today about our country the spiritual freedoms, we experience daily because of Jesus Christ who paid the price for sin, setting me free from me, Satan's clutches, and his schemes, and for all the other freedoms that are won on the battlefield of life every day as others sacrifice their lives because they love. Folks, we are on a spiritual battle front.  The battle for life and death.

       I have heard all the arguments for and against each candidate, so I’m curious considering the choices we face, what are you basing your choices on this election cycle?

       So, here's my question: If you were voting for a King and the top two contenders were David, a shepherd boy that has no experience and has done little to be qualified for the job of King, versus Saul who has already been in the office for a while, and has some experience under his belt; how would you vote?
Saul became jealous, obviously has mental issues, and sets out to prevent his opponent from taking his throne, in a myriad of diabolical tactics, including trying to pin him to the wall with his spear. He called up Eli from the dead to speak to him through a necromancer and then lied and blamed others when he failed to follow God's directives. No one is flawless and we fight and quarrel, kill and covet because we do not get what we want (James 4). Whoever is not guilty, throw the first stone. 

       Then you have David, who was denoted as being a man after God's heart. Unfortunately, he also became jealous. Jealous for another man's wife, and plotted to kill her husband, for the same reason. Regardless, God put him in charge of running His country. Some say, “But David repented” Indeed, he did, that occurrence is documented. Nathan, the prophet came to David and told him a story about a man who stole another man's only female lamb who lived in his house with his family and rested in his arms like a child. But the man, who had plenty took that poor man's lamb rather than one from his own herd and killed it to feed his guests. Davie was livid and condemned the man.  Nathan, however, pointed out that David was guilty of the same thing. I’m not minimizing David’s repentance, but he did not repent until Nathan came a year after that event and the murder of her husband. Then David repented. Great! I'm not judging David, we all use similar tactics to hide when we do not want to face our failures, and of course repentance is a god-thing. We also have the account of how God disciplined David.

        My point is this…God chose David to be king over Israel despite his flaws because he was the best man.  The “man after God’s heart,” baffled me for a while, until I read over and over that David never turned to worship other idols as so many other Kings did.  Thus, the “man after God’s heart,” makes sense.  If God really punishes those who lie and commit murder, will God not punish us all for lying, and allowing the killing of innocent babies who are deprived of living their God-given life endowed by their creator. We have two flawed sinful candidates.

         We are not choosing a pastor or a priest to run our country, whom we also know are not flawless.  We are choosing the best candidate that will uphold the principles that we know are of utmost importance to God, and life is the highest of those principles and values. If God, is really God, and punishes those who lie and commit murder, will God not punish these United States, for allowing the killing of innocent babies who are deprived of living their best God-given life endowed by their creator? We have two candidates with flaws. "Who will cast the first stone?" Certainly not me. We are told in I Kings 17:16-17, God condemned Israel.
“They sacrificed their sons and daughters in the fire and practiced divination and soothsaying. They devoted themselves to doing evil in the sight of the LORD, provoking Him to anger.”  This was on the heals of condemning them for making the idol and worshiping the calf at the base of the mountain.
If he punished them, are we not standing in the face of judgment for the same reasons? Are we not at the crossroads?  Joshua spoke, in the book that bears his name, versus 24:16-17:
“Fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the river and in Egypt and serve the Lord… choose this day whom you will serve.  But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

           I have made stupid decisions, no one is immune to that, but I choose God.  I choose to stand with God on this one, where scripture cast no doubt on how He feels about murdering His children.  I choose life for the most innocent of His creatures who have no voice or ability to choose. The arms and legs of the innocents are ripped from their bodies, their skulls crushed, and their brains drain out of what is supposed to be their safest place, while the abortionist counts the body parts. I stand with God on this one.

            Who will you serve today?  The lies of the enemy or the Truth of God. We do not have a crystal ball to look into the future and know to what percentage a candidate will stand on this issue, but we do have some historical events to give us a bit of insight.  We cannot know what we do not know.  We can only choose based on the information we have now.  So, for now: “Choose this day whom you will serve.” Choose life! And leave the rest to God.

                God bless us and God bless the USA.

]]><![CDATA[The Test of Resting Quietly]]>Mon, 02 Sep 2024 20:24:06 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/the-test-of-resting-quietlyI'm growing in grace day by day
I'm learning to yield each step of the way.

The storm has subsided,
The wind has died down,
The sea is calm,
The sun is shining through,
The clouds have gone,
And the sky is blue,

I'm just basking in the freedom ,
Of all the things I've learned by being in Your Kingdom,
The peace, the tranquility, the rest,
And reflecting on the seeming insurmountable trials of the last test
All the time holding on to you,
Determined and knowing you would see us through.

So, what do I do now as I rest,
I don't want to lose sight of you ,
Just because I'm not in a test,
Or perhaps this is the test,
To stay close to you,
After the storm has passed.

Please Lord, don't let me slip away,
I pray I'll continue to grow closer with each passing day,
Please keep my love fresh and joy-filled and new,
As I sail in these skies so blue.

It seems unusual not to have a trial or a test,
To be able to sit back and rest,
It seems too good to be true
How do I handle this, it's all new,

What's around the corner that I can't see,
This tranquility is so unusual, how can it be,
Is it a false rest, how long before this shall pass,
For nothing this peaceful can long last.

Don't let me slip, don't let me move away,
Keep me on my knees continuing to pray,
Keep the urgency in the attitude of my heart,
To read your word so truth you can continue to impart.

I know I don't need the emotion, I know that,
But the joy of knowing your delight when I sit close with you,
And the joy I have when I experience that delight,
This is the joy of the Lord giving me strength
Staying close in the easy time may very well be the biggest test,
Keep me close, Lord,
As I continue to grow as I rest rest.

Past journal entry
]]><![CDATA[Shame in the Human Soul]]>Sat, 22 Jun 2024 19:58:06 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/shame-in-the-human-soul​Shame is a Flight from Intimacy
                Shame is one of our deepest and most painful emotions.  Shame tells me I’m undone – or rather, I’m done – it’s over.  The voice of condemnation rises, and I am now tainted and completely unacceptable to myself, to others and to God.  I will be isolated and mocked forever!
Nothing cuts us to the core quite like shame.  Jean Paul Satre calls it, “a hemorrhage of the soul.”  We hide, as I mentioned in the last blog, as Adam and Eve chose to do. It was the first thing they did when they realized the consequences of their choice to disobey God.  Shame is a feeling of being exposed as “ugly and unacceptable” beyond words or comprehension. Shame takes its razor-sharp edge and cuts down to the very core of who I believe myself to be, like nothing else. Rejection and shame lock arms together to destroy self-worth. It is the experience of being caught without defense or cover and condemned to unrelenting humiliation.  We hide…and continue to build the seed-coat covering (that protective barrier we erected in our FOO (family of origin) to protect our heart), and we spend our energy insulting and replaying tapes trying to insulate ourselves from anything or anyone that could possibly provoke exposure and reveal to others what we now believe about ourselves. This stifles intimacy.  This is when shame justifies avoidance and isolation. Contempt is eager to jump on the band wagon.  Contempt for ourselves, turns to contempt for others who have hurt us, and we lash out and blame.
          When was the last time you felt shame?  Was it when you got called into your supervisor’s office, and had to admit you did something wrong?  Was it when your child misbehaved in some public venue, and you felt the eyes of everyone labeling you as an incompetent parent?  Was it a time when you failed miserably to live up to a vow, and a past promise you made to yourself?  Sort of like Peter, “I’ll lay down my life for you.”  Then he denied Jesus three times.  You are horribly aware that you failed your own perfectionism and you failed to meet what you knew was right in your heart and God’s directives plainly explained in the Bible.  Other times shame comes at the hands of someone else that shatters your heart.  During my middle school years, sitting on the couch with my sisters and a cousin cutting up, acting silly, etc.  My mom, standing in the middle of the room watching, suddenly blurted out, “Carol, bless you sweetheart, you are so ugly!”  I was shocked…as was everyone else.  My uncle, dad of my cousin sitting with us, my mother’s brother, corrected her, but the damage was already done.  It was if the air got sucked out of the room…everything stopped momentarily; it just hung there until it burned a hole in my heart, but then life went on. Nothing was ever said about it again. 
           Last week I mentioned that shame is a “painful absorption with self.”  In this case, shame turned inward on me, and I only viewed myself from the dot of shame that was put on me as it spread throughout my psyche from the center of my being and consumed me.  I carried this horrific shame for a very long time.  If, I’m ugly, even to my own mom, I reasoned, I must be really ugly.  I have wondered what might have caused my mom to say something like that.  When you consider the reality, none of us could probably say we were beautiful in middle school, but that is beside the point, isn’t it?  People who carry shame pass it on.  I wonder what kind and how much shame my mother carried for her to say that.
I have since made peace with all of that mostly because I choose to believe I am accepted in the beloved and my Heavenly Bridegroom thinks I’m beautiful, and so did my husband.  When I was about 47, years old, and 30 years of marriage, while talking with my husband he said, “Carol, you are more beautiful today than the day I met you!”  I had to stop, and in split second timing, I chose to receive that.  It is through relationships we are broken, and it is through relationships we are healed, along with the choice to believe the truth. 
It is very difficult to receive when you have been wounded and have swallowed the lie that you are far from, well let’s forget pretty – shall we say – far from acceptable.  Maybe you did not have a human on this earth to reassure you that you are cherished.  That does not mean you cannot learn to accept what your heavenly Father’s love and adoration, what your heavenly Bridegroom believes about you, and that indeed you are accepted in the beloved.   Last blog I mentioned that there is an anecdote for shame.  We do not have to carry it around with us.
 
The anecdote to shame is brokenness. 
          The power of shame is never crushed by defending our goodness or our dignity, nor is it melted by sitting in its bucket and allowing the lie to become our identity.  Rather it is melted in sorrow when we are overwhelmed that it exposes the idol we have erected.  We and others will make grievous mistakes which will bring on a torrent of shameful emotions. We find repentant sorrow when we face our failure and move beyond its horizontal cause and effect. Shame keeps me locked in a sea of rejected unacceptability. I must look shame in the face to deal with the tragic consequences of its idolatrous foundation and acknowledge, “I am broken,” and embrace just how truly broken I am, then lay the idol and the reality of my brokenness at the cross. When brokenness is accepted, and I lay down the idol I’ve created and believed that I’m not that bad; I am broken with the reality that I need a Savior, Jesus, who sacrificed his life and I can come to Him.  He will break the chain shame holds me in.  The only approach to shame is receiving the grace from God that heals as I recognize I’m lost and undone. I choose to receive the grace of God that heals.  I am beautiful and acceptable to Him.
         This was a new thought for me…Shame is idolatry?  Hmmm, very interesting!  This is indeed a different kind of thinking; something I had never considered. Shame is my idol?   Ponder this truth and how God desires to break the chains of shame to enable you to live free. 
          Stay tuned.
Taken from, The Cry of the Soul
Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III]]><![CDATA[AM I WORTHY?]]>Sat, 08 Jun 2024 20:56:16 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/am-i-worthyAM I WORTHY?
I am questioning my worth
I’m wondering about love
Jesus said he would return
But the question haunting my mind?
Am I worth returning for?
I’ve sinned so greatly
I lost my way more than once
I just don’t know
And the question remains
Am I worth coming back for?
I took the hammer
I took the nails
The cross? I nailed him there
I am too aware, and the question replays
Am I worth coming back for?
I threw myself down
Searching for a point
Lower than the ground
I’m lost and undone
Please God, I long to hear you say
YOU ARE worth coming back for.
I lay there lost in my fear
Crying tears of shame and I long and 
I strain to hear Him
Assuring me of his love
Calming my fear
Taking my shame
You Are worth coming back for.
Remember I sacrificed my life
My broken body pained and alone
On the tree I created for you
While your heart had turned to stone
Alone and separated from my Father
I’m alone but I groan
It is finished!
I missed it for so long 
I’m hearing it now 
I can see the sacrifice 
It is just for me
Now I can see 
Now I hear
You ARE worth coming back for. 
I hear His still small voice say…
You are definitely worth it
And its YOU I'm coming back for!
 
Inspired by the Holy Spirit 
Penned by Carol Greenberg 1978
]]><![CDATA[MY MEMORIAL DAY HERO]]>Tue, 28 May 2024 02:42:47 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/my-memorial-day-heroAND MY ANSWERED PRAYER
      Eugene V. Greenberg Jr. enlisted in the army in February 1966.  He went to Germany and served two tours in Viet Nam.  On December 3, 1968, he was 100% disabled by friendly fire.  But God deemed that he would not die on a hill in Vietnam.   
      He returned home from Vietnam like all other Veterans, broken, hurt, and disillusioned in serving his country with the reality of what they were doing being tainted with all the controversy over Vietnam.  More than 2,700,000 Americans served in uniform in Vietnam, and more than 58,000 were killed or reported missing. Estimates of Vietnamese deaths range over 1 million.
      Lingering impacts of the war are important, and Memorial Day provides a particularly appropriate time for reflection. Our soldiers did not receive a “Welcome Home,” or a “Thank you for your service.”  Instead he and his comrades were ridiculed and called “baby killers!’  He experienced survivor’s guilt.  He grieved over one of his buddies who just received pictures of his new baby, and was killed in action the next day along with all the others who seemingly sacrificed their lives for naught.  His anger and disillusionment led him to destroy his medals.  Married in December 1969 we had two wonderful and adorable sons, but life was tough.  He struggled with PTSD and had difficulty holding down a job and continued to have health problems from his disability.  Further, Gene was very angry at God.  As a child he knew two things about God…God is all powerful, and God is all loving.  He had a very hard time reconciling the horrific things he saw in Vietnam, particularly the little children the Viet Cong maimed and killed to accomplish their purposes. 
 
      I knew Vietnam was the issue, but he refused to talk about it, get help for it, or deal with any of it.  So, I began to pray, “God do whatever it takes to break open the pain of Vietnam and force him to deal with all of it.” God answered that prayer one day in 1985 when the phone rang.  Little did I know God was in the background orchestrating as only He can.  The person on the other end of the line asked to speak to Eugene Greenberg.  This was the first odd thing about this phone call.  No one called Gene, by Eugene.  Not his family, not his co-workers…no one.  Gene came to the phone, he said hello and said almost nothing before dropping the phone.  At this point he put his head in his hand and tears came!  Obviously, my anxiety went off the charts, as I’m wondering what in the world could this be since I knew it was not his family.  I had no idea this was the answer to my prayer. 
      As it turned out, this man was one of Gene’s Vietnam buddies, Kenneth Fife. This man had been searching for him for a while, putting ads in newspapers and trying to locate Gene.  Over the next few months he and Gene began to talk regularly.  One night, during one of their conversations, he revealed to Gene that he thought he was responsible for the disaster that ensued on that hill in Vietnam on December 3rd.  He stated he was responsible for the coordinates that caused the round to fall short killing several and wounding many including Gene.  This was a game-changer for Gene.  He suddenly realized there was someone carrying a heavier burden than him.  He decided to go to Wyoming to see Ken. 
      My prayer…whatever it takes, Lord for Gene to face Vietnam was the very thing that broke open the sealed box in the basement where the contents continued to spew out into the living room.
      Gene and Ken continued to speak and Gene even flew out Wyoming to visit face to face with his past.  It started the healing journey.  Then early 1998 we received another telephone call.  It was from another Viet Nam Buddy, Bobby Moody.  This started another long conversation for Gene.  Members began searching for all of the 5th Division members and planned a reunion in September of that year.  Gene was going to go, but then had second thoughts and decided not to attend.  The following year, we both attended the Society of the 5th Division Reunion and Gene discovered from his Captain that Ken had nothing to do with what happened.  The round that caused such disaster was defective and it landed short.  Friendly fire, that left several dead and others seriously wounded, but no one’s fault.  Gene lost his left leg immediately and almost lost his left arm.  He was air lifted to the hospital ship Repose, and then to Japan.  The doctors wanted to amputate his left arm stating it would be useless, but he refused that option and gained more use of it than they ever thought possible.  This phone call was the answer to my prayer and began Gene’s healing journey.  As  these men  came together, visited, shared community and created a lot of joy to be together and realize they were all alive and doing well, living life in the shadow of the cross and allowing God to heal their wounded hearts so many years later.
      So this Memorial Day, I’m still celebrating the hero of my life, my husband, Gene Greenberg, Jr. and how God still orchestrates and answers prayer.  I feel very appreciative that Gene chose me to do life with him, and God orchestrated our life together to “grow us up” into the persons He intended us to be. 
     Our boys are also very proud of their dad.  He is their hero and together on this Memorial Day we celebrate together our Hero, when you realize the trauma he experienced on the other side of the world, yet came home, and fought hard to overcome and live productively. My oldest grandson, Joshua Cole, joined the Army this year and just graduated from engineer boot camp from Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri and is now in California for further training.   Cole even questioned, “I wonder what Grampa would think now?  We assured him Grampa would be as proud of him as we are.
                 
     We are blessed, and we continue to appreciate and thank those who sacrificed more than we will ever know to protect us and our freedoms.  Freedom is never free.  There is always a sacrifice.


]]><![CDATA[THE CORROSIVE POWER OF SHAME]]>Wed, 10 Apr 2024 17:51:51 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/the-corrosive-power-of-shameThe SIGNPOSTS OF SHAME
Painful absorption with self:
           Shame creates an absorption with self that can make us feel as if we are drowning in quicksand. This is because self-awareness is now on hyper alert.  The focus is on me.  My eyes are turned inward to see the deed of shame that I committed. Shame shakes the very ground or core of our being of who we really thought we were, but now has been exposed reveal we are not who we believed ourselves to be. Our core identity, the self, we must now face, and that cannot be done without dire consequences.  Therefore, we begin to attack ourselves with name calling to match our flawed dignity.  I’m stupid, I’m an idiot, I’m trash, I’m nothing, I’m worthless and fit for nothing.  No one will ever want me…. you fill in the blank.  What do you say to yourself that is probably worse than anyone else would say to you?
          We are reminded that shame depicts the attack on our core identity and how it alters our countenance.  It is our face that sets us apart from any other person.  When shame is felt in the heart it first shows up on the face which reddens and loses radiance and vitality.  Then we begin to feel it internally in our gut and has the potential to all kinds of damage there. Remember when God came to confront Cain after he killed his brother, God asked, “Why are you angry and why has your countenance fallen?” Obviously, anger, shame, and guilt was written all over his face.  Isaiah declares in 29:22, “No longer will Jacob be ashamed no longer will their faces grow pale.   Then in Psalms 44:15, “My disgrace is before all day long, and my face is covered with shame.” Cover their faces with same so that men will seek your name, O Lord. May they ever be ashamed and dismayed. May they perish in disgrace.” Ps 83:16-17

Flight from Exposure:
         The second signpost of shame is hiding.  We retreat. We withdraw. We isolate. This was the first negative emotion in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve sinned, they got away as fast as they could to hide in the bushes, the very blessings that God had provided for them.

       Go back and remember when the last time something happened that brought you some embarrassment. Embarrassment is a lighter form of shame and probably one that can move through the brain’s pain processing pathway  to the other side. However, shame goes much deeper and is more difficult to manage.  If you felt shame didn’t you feel like wanting to get away as fast as possible?   Shame prompts a flight to some self-created world of safe numbness.  Dissociation is a fancy word that causes one to retreat, sometimes by decision but other times it is how God created us to be able to handle heavy hard-core shame, when it is beyond our capacity to process it.  Some events are outside our window of tolerance to be able to process as our brain tries to process and make sense of the painful event.  Other times it is a choice that we will escape by thinking that we can flee to the safety of our own creation – a place where I can escape my inner agony, my own little false creation without pain or demands of God’s world. It is a place outside of reality.  It is here that addictions and a myriad of unhealthy behaviors begin, when the realization that a drink, a drug, or something else I use to extreme, will ease the agony and inner shame that is burning in me like a furnace that continues to be fed by my negative thoughts and fears.  All eyes are on me and if they are not, I walk in fear that someone will find out what I’ve done. This behavior perceives the enemy far worse than it is and this escape that provides me only momentary relief ends up only increasing my shame and makes looking into the eyes of another or the ugliness of myself that much more incomprehensible.  Consequently, any flight to escape to invisibility will fail and require more aggressive methods to stem the hemorrhage.  This position of hiding and withdrawing gives the enemy of your soul more power and more ability to continue to weave his wicked web inside your heart and mind until it grows to consume you. His goal is to destroy.  The real enemy is pride. 

      Be well and be blessed as you turn your eyes toward the only one that can heal your heart of shame.  There is an anecdote to shame. 
Stay tuned.
 

 


​
]]><![CDATA[THE FREEDOM OF SIMPLE, BUT DIFFICULT OBEDIENCE]]>Sat, 02 Mar 2024 19:22:32 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/the-freedom-of-simple-but-difficult-obedience      As Christ's disciples, we are simply called to obey him --at any cost and with no assurance of the results.
Only God can bring forth eternal fruit from the seeds of our obedience.  And he often does so in ways that we do not expect and cannot fathom, and fail to experience due to our lack of faith and disobedience. His wisdom and ability are infinitely, not marginally, greater than our own.  This truth is both humbling and freeing.  What is God calling you to today?  If you find yourself stuck in fear and worry, stop!  Take that thought captive, telling your thoughts or perhaps Satan's thoughts to leave the holy ground you are standing on because he has no authority there.  Then get up and take the next step to fulfill that which he is calling you to today.  You have the same Holy Spirit in you that raised Jesus from the dead.  Stand on that, believe, and take the authority you already have at your disposal and walk in obedience experiencing the freedom Jesus died for you to walk in. Make it a GREAT DAY.
]]><![CDATA[Cleaning Windows]]>Thu, 11 Jan 2024 03:30:04 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/cleaning-windows               The time was mid-afternoon. The sun was shining hot and bright. When I walked into the first bedroom, the sun came in through the window at a certain angle. The painters always taped off the window frame and left the center of the window exposed. Thus, the paint and wall texture covered the center of this window. No light could shine through this part of the window, although you could see it was there, trying to shine through all around the edges. As I stood there and looked at that window, God revealed a parallel of that window that represented our lives.

Cleaning the inside of the cup
               The paint, being only in the center of the window, represents our hearts darkened with the sin-nature we are all born with, inherited from Adam. The light was shining all around the edges. This represents God’s presence. His creation, His invisible attributes, and the blessings in our lives through others. Regardless of how we view our surroundings, they all are an attempt to draw us to Himself. It matters not how successful you are, how good your grades are, or who your parents are. We are born with a body that is alive; however, we have a spirit that is dead, and a wicked heart that needs regenerating. Unfortunately, we can socialize the behavior, but the heart remains unchanged. "The heart is deceitful above all else and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Once we realize we cannot “fix” ourselves, we accept the sacrifice of Jesus, who died in our place on a cruel cross. By confessing our guilt and by accepting Jesus’ work on the cross on our behalf, we now have a new spirit. Just as I removed the paint from this window, God removes our sin, then and only then can God’s light begin to shine through us.

               Just as that window will have no recollection of the paint that was on it, likewise, God chooses not to remember our sin. It isn’t that He forgets, He chooses not to remember. God cleanses us from the inside out and places His Spirit in us. Unfortunately, we still have our old sin nature and the false self we created to deal with along with its fleshly, selfish desires. These spots and dirt on this window represented the sins in our life resulting from self-gratification as well as those things we do that we may not even yet be aware of as sin. As God matures us, His Spirit renews our mind by reading His word; we come to realize much of our thoughts, desires, and our way of thinking is opposed to His. It is this process that wages war within us. We become aware of the sin spots on our robe. Then it becomes our responsibility to consciously choose, through the power of the Holy Spirit in us, to align our actions to our new way of thinking, agreeing with Him that our thinking is wrong (confession) and ask forgiveness. We walk in obedience to the new revelation, always achieved through the power of the Holy Spirit. This will be a life-long process.

The smears
               When cleaning windows, there are always smears. These smears represent the difficult areas in our life that we have selfishly held onto that leave serious emotional conflicts within our heart and soul. There we must spend extra time “cleaning” them. These emotional scars, like smears on the window, may not always be readily noticeable or even discernible by us. Much of the time, we are not aware of their presence at all, but allow the “light” to filter in, at just the right angle, and they are very noticeable. Let a trigger occur that reminds me of a painful memory and OOPS! There they are! Often noticed first by others, before we admit that we have a problem. Much of the time, we are too busy pointing our bony finger at someone else we interact with that they are in the wrong, not us! Sometimes our true friends or even our spouses are the ones who point them out to us. Sometimes it is God’s Holy Spirit, and sometimes it may be a counselor trained to show us our emotional smears or “hang-ups.” God sends those people in our lives to help us see these scars, which otherwise will go undetected by us, commonly called “blind spots.”

Permanent flaw?
               This next window had a black mark on it. As I worked and worked on it, I realized this was a permanent flaw in the glass. It was there to stay. If someone were to come from the inside and look out that window at that very spot, it would obscure their vision. However, if one chose to look around it, their view would not be hindered at all. So, it is with us. A permanent flaw on our physical body regardless of what form it might take will distort and obscure our view of the world, if we choose to look at the world through our flaw, or if we choose to identify ourselves by it. However, if we understand that we are made in God’s image, by a God who makes no mistakes and in whose plan includes a perfect place for us, flaw and all, we can then choose to look past that flaw not allowing it to taint my view of others by how I think they perceive me or how I perceive myself. This permanent physical flaw represents the fact that God will sacrifice outward beauty to develop godly inward character in us or others. This allows our inner light to shine even brighter.

Ah, the last one!
               Usually, I’m glad to see the last window after a long day of cleaning windows. Today was different. God engaged me in a lesson directly from Him. I always clean the inside windows first, but not this one. Remember, the window still has paint on the inside, representing our “sin-sick, dead heart.” As I cleaned the outside of this window, God revealed the correlation to our lives when we try to “clean up our act,” behaving differently, socializing our flesh. If we attempt to change our unacceptable activities in the power of our own flesh, with a “sin-sick” heart, we will quickly experience defeat. If by some miracle, we manage to accomplish the task in our own willpower we have a false sense of who we are, and pride is in full gear. We deceive ourselves into thinking we are okay because we have not participated in a particular deed or because we have stopped doing one. God’s word tells us that “our righteousness is as filthy rags.” (Isaiah 64:6) Thus our act of “cleaning” carries no weight with God when done without His grace. We simply look better on the outside. We still do not have access to God’s unlimited power until we give up, admit defeat, realize we cannot save ourselves, clean the inside of the cup first, and recognize we are powerless to win over our sin. Then, and only then, will we have access to God’s grace through the blood of Jesus. This is precisely what I had to do with this window. Admit defeat, go inside, and clean the inside first. My view was distorted and hindered, so no matter how long or how hard I worked, I was unable to get the outside clean with the inside dirty. So, it is with our lives. Our view is so distorted that we are unable to stay clean, becoming very frustrated, always condemning ourselves for our shortcomings and failures, or we blame others and eventually throw up our hands, claiming that “religion just doesn’t work.” And indeed, religion does not work. The frustration becomes so great we resolve that we were better off before. What we do not realize is that trying to clean up the outside first always leads to futility and frustration.

               I love it when God shows up and speaks to me with every day events that reveal spiritual truths. Thank you, Jesus, for this insight.
]]><![CDATA[Life is So Difficult Sometimes]]>Mon, 08 Mar 2021 04:19:08 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/life-is-so-difficult-sometimes           When life happens and hard questions and difficulties arise they sometimes leave more difficult questions than answers.

                I was listening to the radio this morning and they were reading the verse about how God takes care of us...because we are his highest creation and if he takes care of the birds of the air, won't he take care of us?  They were discussing this and why we have such a hard time believing that God truly will take care of us.  I wanted to call in and say...DUH...is it not obvious why we have a problem resting in God taking care of us.  Look around...the less fortunate ones that have health issues, financial difficulties, or accidents that they had nothing to do with, necessarily,  Children that are abused, taken advantage of, hurt by some offender, or killed by some disease, or some inhuman being...those things do not fit our idea of being well taken care of, now do they?  The hurt and pain in the world do not translate into "care-taking" by anyone's definition.  Only as we can trust God to take care of us amidst these things, can we lay back in his arms and allow him to carry us through them.  Sometimes that's a tall order. But a view to a different perspective might be in order.  We are looking from our earthly view.  God is looking long-term and he will sacrifice everything to bring us through the dark valley to grow into who He designed us to be.  Larry Crabb suggests it is first-order desire vs second-order desires.  Sometimes we do not even know we have a second-order desire. . . one that God is in charge of to mold us to be the person He created us to be. God's view is looking through a different lens with a view to maturity, trust, and faith, not a view of necessarily getting what we want.

We most often translate someone taking care of us as making things easier, not allowing boulders to be placed in the road that can't be moved, or having them dropped on our head when we are unsuspectingly walking down the path of life minding our own business.  It is all a hard concept to grasp when we are in the midst of falling rocks in our pathway and we can't figure out what God could possibly be up to as He works out the bigger picture, He has in mind....and even when you embrace that concept, it still isn't easy.  It all seems so complicated to me and I am one that knows, I've "touched the hem of his garment." I guess it only ends as we close our eyes for the last time and are transported "out-a-here."  That would be my sister, Linda. . . keep reading.
             I can understand why people blame God.  I always figured it was because that is the way Satan works.... you know. Just the way it is.  The same reason people defame the name of Jesus rather than Buddha, or Mohammad...etc.  It is just the way Satan works.  But I have come to think it is far more than that.  We subconsciously carry an attitude that bad, really, really bad things should not happen to us.  Like Gene losing his leg in Vietnam, or my sister getting burned at the age of three and spending a year in John Sealy Hospital, or a gazillion other things.  People, in general, have an unspoken, unrealized thought that really big catastrophes are more than we deserve. They conclude (as Gene did) that God was indeed big enough to stop, reverse, fix, whatever happened, based on his supposed love for us and his power...so if he is not intervening.... then he must not really love us, doesn't care and isn't involved....and some go so far as to claim, He doesn't even exist. 
              I remember having conversations with Gene about his struggles in trying to make sense of all the pain and horror of Vietnam and the things that happened there. He wondered where was God through all of that and why didn’t God protect him and a lot of others.  When we go through those things, we become fearful, that other horrible things are going to happen to us. We enter a waiting game, just waiting for "the next shoe to drop." Things that we will have no control over that will deeply hurt and completely unravel us.  When they do, fear becomes a way of life and is transferred to our adult life in our relationships with God and with others.  Fear.  An emotion that is a God-given productive emotion (fight or flight) to help us flee dangerous things, and to motivate us to do good things, but it is typically used improperly and becomes the very emotion that causes extreme relational issues with everyone, most of all those closest to us.
                We need to get past the fear, move toward God, and renew our thinking about God.  We think we must look after ourselves, because no one in the past has looked after us, including God, so we become controlling, pushing the boundaries in everyone else’s life, or settling down into a defeatist, victim attitude and mindset that I am powerless and can’t change anything.  Fear paralyzes.
               I am sitting here listening to James Dobson, interview missionaries from Africa who have watched people being raped, butchered, tortured, and persecuted for their faith. They accepted Jesus as their Savior, knowing that if they do, and embrace the Christian faith, and are found out, they will possibly be tortured, and killed along with their children because they have turned from their "home" faith and accepted Christianity.  They are saying that these people know what they face and would be left alone to live their lives naturally if they did not become Christians, but they also know they lose eternity...so they sacrifice their very lives for believing in Jesus.  In anyone's book, how does that translate into God taking care of us?  Even the disciples were murdered, crucified, and sawn in two. This requires a complete change in the way we think. We must transform our minds to look at things from God's perspective.  We must have a paradigm shift. That is not an easy thing to do, nor an easy way to live, and perhaps even impossible at times, especially for those who have never touched the hem of his garment.  For those that have and know that they know Jesus, like the missionaries I spoke of, are willing to sacrifice all to spend eternity with him, free from the ravages of this world.  God does not protect us from everything. He only promises to protect us from the evil one and bring us into His heavenly mansion prepared for us through Jesus' work on the cross.  We are fully, completely, and totally protected from the end result of Satan's rule when we commit, turn over, yield our lives totally to Him. God does not always, protect, rescue, deliver us out of our difficulties.  Difficult things happen, sometimes through simply being alive on a planet cursed from the Fall. How does someone forgive an abusive parent or someone who murdered or raped their family member? It is a supernatural visit of the Holy Spirit by embracing the truth of the second-order desire, rather than our own first-order desire and our way of doing things. Where are you in your journey of trusting?  Where are you in your journey of exchanging your own selfish second-order desire for God's first-order desire?

            I am missing my beautiful sister, Linda, who recently moved to her Mansion in the Sky.  She spent years being abused, mistreated, and taken advantage of by some of those closest to her.  Her greatest attribute was her giving, and selfless, energy to love and help those who needed help. It truly took little to put a smile on her face. Someone said of her, she loved everyone unconditionally no matter who they were or what they had done.  Others said she would have given the shirt off her back to someone if they needed it. This greatest attribute turned out to be her greatest weakness, for she was hurt repeatedly by those she tried to help, and yet she continued to love.  She was a treasure and I have a lot to learn in this regard. On February 13th she received her reward and she will throw that crown of jewels at the feet of Jesus. I miss her. I miss her a lot. One thing I will certainly miss is when I write something and post it on my blog, I could always count her profuse enjoyment of reading it and telling me how much she loved me. Take time to love, deeply, with a view to eternity while time is on your side.  Thank you, Jesus, for the deep lessons learned through this difficult and painful journey and the time to live it out this side of heaven. Amen.

P.S. Take note: My other four precious and beautiful sisters, I love you beyond what words can express.

]]><![CDATA[My Sister moved...Her new address is Mansion in the Sky]]>Mon, 22 Feb 2021 23:21:49 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/my-sister-movedher-new-address-is-mansion-in-the-sky
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SIX SISTERS:  We wore that as a badge of honor. There were six of us.  Six sisters all in a row.  It is hard to wrap my brain around the reality that one of us is no longer present.  Linda, our oldest sister is absent from our sight, but not absent from our hearts.  Her health had been declining for a month or so, with COPD, heart failure, and stage three renal failure.  We, sisters, number 2, (me, Carol), and sister number 4, (Lisa) got a call on Tuesday, February 2nd that she was in the hospital.  Unfortunately, there was a NO VISITATION rule due to COVID regulations and we could not come to see her.  While there she suffered a stroke and became unresponsive. Since we were not there to give a DNR, they put her on a ventilator and a feeding tube. We added sister number 6, (Sonja) and traveled to Houston on Tuesday. NOW they would let us in. . . Gee, but not when she was responsive.  It took us a long five hours' time conversing with the doctors until we finally decided to remove life support and a feeding tube to let God do what He does best. . . make that decision as to when she would be transported to her new address, "MANSION IN THE SKY!" orchestrated by God, created by Jesus, and He paid for her privilege to be there by his blood on the cross.  That MANSION IN THE SKY where her Heavenly Bridegroom was waiting with open arms to give her, her heart's desire: to be accepted and loved unconditionally like she never received here on this earth, and to know that she has found her home and the place where she belongs.
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She was moved to Hospice on Thursday and Lisa and I sat with her for the next three days waiting for the angels to arrive. We purchased a blanket to spread over her bed.  It fit her perfectly. ​It read, Grateful and Blessed, as she was always very grateful, and she blessed everyone.  This so described her.  On Friday night I refused to go to sleep.  I expected angels to arrive, but I didn't know when.  I sat in the chair next to the bed; I pulled up the bedside table, threw a couple of pillows over it and that’s where I stayed for the duration.  I dozed across that table all night long in between singing songs to her, holding her hand, and telling her how much we loved her.  I prayed for the angels to arrive.  It was a long difficult night.  The nurses came in twice to check on us and to give her meds at 4:00.  I waited, I watched, and I listened to her breathing.  About 5:30 a.m. I called Lisa from the family room where she was sleeping on a couch. . . she came, and we sat together and watched as the angels arrived to take our sweet sister to meet her heavenly Bridegroom, and move to her MANSION IN THE SKY.  
 
We came home just before the storm hit and we spent the next few days, holed up inside our homes, crying over the phone together, texting one another till late in the night, and reminiscing about our life, Linda’s life and how she blessed us and everyone else. I spend hours making a PowerPoint for her viewing.  Our sister bond deepened, and we learned some valuable lessons from this difficult journey.  Is that not what difficult journeys are supposed to do. . . teach us valuable lessons.  We were once again reminded of how short life really is, how fragile relationships are and what we get distracted with is not really all that important.  We agreed we could have loved her better and we vowed to love one another better while time is on our side.
 
After our viewing with family, we will travel 300+ miles to Spur, Texas where she wanted to be buried with the rest of our family, both of our parents, grandparents, uncle, and three baby brothers she never met are laid to rest there. She received her reward and is dancing with her Bridegroom and who knows, she might even be dancing with my husband.  But make no mistake, she is free and happy, in Glory Land, released from her broken body and this broken world.
 
We rejoice and celebrate her life.  She was always helping others, sometimes to her own detriment.   When we were young, she aspired to be a missionary.  Recently I told her she fulfilled her dream. She really was a missionary; it just didn’t look like the traditional view we had when we were children.  Years ago, missionaries went off to foreign lands and stayed away for months or years.  Linda didn’t go anywhere, but she did fulfill her dream to be a missionary.  She did not have any children of her own, but she had many children. She helped raise her husband’s children and then she raised her step-grandson.  She called him Son and he called her Mom.  There were lots of struggles, through those years with an alcoholic husband and the grandson’s mom who would come and get him, and then when she couldn’t keep him, she would bring him back and Linda would take over.  There was physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, but Linda persevered for the children she loved.  Then later Linda helped raise her four step-great-grandchildren.  She loved those babies more than life and would have done anything to help them. She took them to church, and we have a picture of one of them holding a baptism certificate.   Might I just add, if you have not received Jesus as your personal Savior, don't hesitate.  Find someone and ask questions about that before it is too late.
 
She was a light to everyone who knew her.  She continued to love everyone always and unconditionally.  She was the epitome of Paul’s admonition to “be content in whatever circumstances.”  We would try to convince Linda to move closer to us, but she told me recently, “I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my fridge, a little money in the bank, and my community of friends.  We look out for each other; what more could I ask for?”  This was Linda.  She never complained about her situation and she never had her hand out. 
 
We are going to miss her terribly…so much so that I called her phone the other night, just to hear her voice and then I left her a mushy, “I love you,” message with tears and all.
 
Okay, Big Sis.  Until we meet again, I know you will be “Dancing in the Sky.”  Love and hugs.

Singing In The Sky
Dani & Lizzy
]]><![CDATA[Why is Marriage So Difficult?  It’s a Divine Conspiracy and Opposites Attract]]>Tue, 17 Sep 2019 15:21:27 GMThttps://www.journeyofmyheart.org/blog/why-is-marriage-so-difficult-its-a-divine-conspiracyNews flash!  Marriage is difficult.  Why, oh why does the very thing I admired so much about him/her now drive me absolutely up a wall?  What is it about him?  What is it about her?  Why, why, why can’t they see their behavior is so FRUSTRATING… driving me to tears…or anger…and yet they keep doing it!  Over, and over and over! Really?
Lisa married Arthur because he was so fun loving, energetic and outgoing, always making her laugh. There was never a dull moment.  All the other guys she dated were so boring and dull.  Arthur was different.  They hit it off immediately.  Now three years into marriage, that same energetic, outgoing, fun-loving personality is driving Lisa absolutely bonkers!  Arthur wants to go, go, go, all the time.  He wants to spend every weekend somewhere.  The never “a dull moment” has turned into just that…never a dull moment.  “Can we please just have one serious conversation about…something, anything?”  There are chores to do and money doesn’t just grow on trees, you know!  The very thing that attracted Lisa to Arthur, looks to be her undoing.  Yes, that’s it…undoing…God planned it that way. Arthur has what she needs; Lisa has what Arthur needs, but they are so unaware that opposites attract.
 
Jan marries Jacob.  He is calm, collected, poised, and precise.  After graduating with his MA in business, he started his own.  He concerned himself with “taking care” of her, making her feel very special and loved.  Jacob’s attentiveness was refreshing, for a while.  Jan feels a sense of security she never felt with her dad; no one seemed to care where she was or when she was coming home.   Jan learned to be independent and look out for herself. Arthur wants her to spend time with him; just sit with him on the couch, just be present. She feels guilty when others go out of their way to do something for her since she took care of herself. Jan’s dad spent money they didn’t have, always looking for, “The Deal” that would put them into the dream he entertained for as long as she could remember, which of course never materialized.  Now three years into their marriage, they have enough money to purchase a home, but Jacob can't seem to make a decision. They have looked at house after house, and agreed on one, but no movement.   Furthermore, Jacob’s attentiveness is overwhelming now, and even intrusive at times. Jan feels almost smothered.  Jacob is prompt and home on time.  His lack of spontaneity and his need for everything to be in its place feels controlling and restrictive.  Those very qualities of attentiveness which were so absent in her family of origin and that she thought were so attractive in Jacob, is the very thing that pushes her away from him now.  Jacob wants to know where she is going, whom she is going with, and when she will return.  If plans don’t work as outlined, she braces herself for a cross-examination, and why she wasn’t on time.  Where is the freedom, ease and spontaneity in their relationship?  It just seems so tight and so restrictive.  The truth is:  Jacob has what Jan needs; Jan has what Jacob needs, but they are so unaware that opposites attract.
 
David and Rebecca met through mutual friends.  They were both unaware of what was happening. Rebecca liked order with all her ducks in a row.  Rebecca realized David didn’t even know where his ducks were and she learned quickly that if the ducks were going to be put in a row, she would be the one to do it.  Rebecca likes things put away, money in the bank, and she likes to know how things are going to work.  Neither of their parents had much money growing up.  Rebecca realized early in life, money was difficult to come by and saving and being frugal served her well. David likes to spend money, on himself and on her.   Rebecca wanted to save and pay cash for everything since her parents always used credit cards and loans.  David thought that was a great idea until he wanted something, but didn’t want to wait. David’s MO was spend, spend, spend; Rebecca’s was save, save, save.  This was fueled from childhood when she would put cardboard in her only pair of penny loafers, until payday.  A rainy day is sure to come, so be prepared. David wasn’t too worried about the future or a rainy day.   Rebecca attempted to hold the reigns on David’s spending, which resulted in many an argument.  David’s philosophy was completely different.  “I didn’t have it then; I’m going to have it now!” And he purchased the very best. He states her attempting to control him, triggers memories of his parents attempting to control him.  Rebecca states, “Well, if you would control your spending, I wouldn’t have to.”  Rebecca thrives on rules; she feels very uncomfortable when there are no boundaries.  David hates rules.  In fact, his mantra is, “rules are to be broken.”  They are in opposite end zones on disciplining the children.  Both their parents were harsh and angry.  David skipped school and his dad gave him an ultimatum, “Go to school or join the army.”  He joined the army.  Rebecca’s older sister was out of control, refused to obey, and caused difficulty for herself and everyone else. Taking note of the trouble her sister got into, Rebecca learned to avoid conflict.  When David refused to discipline their children, Rebecca stepped in and over-functioned.  David was full of mercy, too much actually, and Rebecca had none.  They were so unaware what was driving this. David had what Rebecca needed, and Rebecca had what David needed, because opposites attract.
 
Opposites do attract, but that’s only supposed to be in science, right, or so we thought.  Why does the introvert get attracted to the extrovert?  Why does the messy, free spirited one get attracted to the neat orderly one?  Why does the rule-follower get attracted to someone who thinks rules are to be broken?  Why does the one who tries to discipline the kids and thinks rules and consequences are good for them, get hooked up with one who thinks it’s best to relax and be flexible.  It’s a divine conspiracy, but it does set up scenarios for a firestorm.
 
These are all good questions, with difficult answers, particularly when you are in the middle of the firestorm that is singeing your toes and threatening to burn your house down.  We are programmed in our family of origin to think, feel, and react to circumstances in a way that calms our fears and anxieties, and protects our fragile ego, false self.  What is safe for one, causes anxiety for another.  How do you handle conflict?  Do you retreat into yourself, unwilling to disrupt your external world so you absorb the anxiety, and adapt by interrupting your internal world? Hating conflict, you stepped back, watched, then acquiesced, fearful of the consequences of speaking up, hoping it would go away or resolve itself, which it seldom did.  If you take a more dominant stance, you are not willing to interrupt your internal world, so you disrupt your external world by pushing back.  When reasoning doesn’t work, you step forward with accusations.  You attempt to move the other person to your side of the playing field, with the determination of a bulldog.  These relational styles you learned in your family of origin.   
 
Here’s the deal:  often, we are attracted to our very opposite because they have exactly what we need to grow up emotionally.  No one is ever ready for marriage; marriage is a people growing machine.  Unfortunately, too many people bail before they figure out what is really going on relationally and emotionally.  Change is extremely difficult.  The very thing you admired, that drew you to your spouse, is very often an area in your own life you have disowned, repressed, and thus is underdeveloped.  Rebecca’s rule following, frugal, obedient behaviors, were over-developed.  Being rigid and even controlling, she expected everyone to follow those same rules, and frugal turned into stingy. Rebecca needed to loosen up, and David needed to tighten up.  They both needed to grow up in these respective areas, and they were attracted to the other because of the underdeveloped qualities in their personalities that needed strengthening.  He had what she needed, and she had what he needed, and God had a plan to develop that in each of them.
 
Remember Jan and Jacob? Jan has a fun loving free, spontaneous, adventurous spirit, and she needs Jacob’s calm poised, orderly, precision in life.  And Jacob’s underdeveloped adventurous side needs a shot in the arm from Jan.   They were attracted to one another because this area in each of them is under-developed. Jacob did not recognize that his orderly, precise structured life needed Jan’s free adventurous spirit and vice-versa.  Until they realize this and start focusing on managing themselves, (the only person they can change) and growing up emotionally, the conflict will continue to escalate.  Our greatest strength become our greatest weakness.  “As Iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17.
 
Pay attention to the next argument you have.  What is your default reaction?  Do you walk away before anything is resolved, hoping to sweep it under the rug and never discuss it again, wondering why your spouse can’t “just get over it?” Perhaps you take all your frustration and anxiety and dump it onto a friend who will listen.  You tell them of your reasonable, and justifiable anger and frustration as you elaborate on the other’s unholy behaviors. You feel better, but nothing is resolved. 
               
There is more to this story. Check back for the continuation of this Divine Orchestration and what to do about it.

Carol Greenberg, MA, LPC, EMDR Certified
carolgreenberg@nlcc1.com 512/914-7927

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