One that is filled with ups and downs
My heart longs for the fulfilment of my dream
Longing to be loved
Longing to be touched deeply
Longing to be
All that I was meant to be
When my desire awakens and my heart reaches out for it
It seems to be just beyond my reach.
It is out there
Out there somewhere
Somewhere…Somewhere, where I cannot reach
It is as if I’m grasping air
My heart aches and my tears fall and my anxiety rises
I twist and turn and think and groan
My mind is torn and goes up and down back and forth
Attempting to figure out how I can get what my longing is…
I play chess every day, all day
I manipulate and maneuver everything that is manipuable, or maneuverable!
I figure and I constantly rearrange and try to figure this or that.
I cry and fret, and hurt, and question why, how, and what next?
Until I am exhausted. They say chess players go crazy…
I discover I cannot make anything happen and I’m killing myself trying
Something happens. I make a move… I step into a forbidden area to achieve my heart’s desire, my goal.
I sit back and feel smug that I have now accomplished a maneuver, I played chess well today…
Or so I thought.
The event comes back to haunt me.
God put his finger in my chest and said “You did this!” then I realize the reality of my decision. It isn’t my action that was so wrong…although it was
It was much more the condition of my heart.
I just became “Sarah.”
We all wonder how could Sarah do what she did?
How could she give Abraham her hand maiden to produce a child God said she would have?
Just look in the mirror dear. You did it. You not only did it, you have done it numerous times before…
You just never saw it for what it really was…manipulation,
Maneuvering life, playing chess, and most of all not trusting God. You think that you can move that mountain? Think again. You don’t move the mountain…God does.
Desire. Desire drives us and when we don’t get our desire we fall on our face and kick, scream and cry at God for his lack of attention to us
And how God fails to take care of us.
And God will continue to let us kick and scream until we kick and scream ourselves to the point of exhaustion.
Now God is able to speak because maybe, just maybe, I’m quiet enough to listen.
God slaps me in the face with my actions
With my unbelief
With my chess playing mentality
With my lack of trust
Suddenly I am thrown backwards. And I find myself unplugged…unplugged from the situation and aware that I’m unplugged
What is this? Strange indeed!
I’m unplugged. I don’t care. But I do care…But I don’t care.
I lay it down. Lay my burdens down. Suddenly I feel such a sense of release.
The air has been let out of the balloon
I am no longer striving
I’m reminded…be still cease striving and know that I am God.
How often do we not cease striving…how often are we still?
Still long enough to hear what he wants to say to us
What he wants to do with us
What he wants to do in our circumstances.
I release my hold, my grip on what I want. I release my hold my grip on what I think I deserve, and what I believe should be. I let go…I’m still standing in the same place, but I’m different.
My circumstances have not changed…there is still difficulty and frustration, but I’m changed. God has taken my burden. He took my burden because I laid it down.
God won’t wrest my burden out of my hands, but he will most assuredly take it when I give it to him. Thank you, Jesus. I’m reminded of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace. They were free. They were no longer bound…but free and walking around with Jesus in the midst of the fire walking with them. Jesus took my burden. Come to me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Yes, indeed it is. Let it go. I give you my dream. I release the hold I have on my dream…and I give it to you Dear God…take my burden and give me yours instead.
FREEDOM! Thank you, Jesus, for setting me free. Free from me.
I long for more of you. I long to feel your touch. I long to hear your voice. I long to be led by you. Hallelujah…I long…I long for heaven. Yes, indeed I do…but I will go when you are ready. I will be content. I am content. I sit in contentment. I’m free in my desire to be who you have called me to be.
Thank you, Jesus for drawing me to you and through this difficult ordeal…
I will walk on water…I will step out of my boat, and
I WILL WALK ON WATER WITH YOU...