There is a common misunderstanding regarding what it is to have a “responsible relationship” with someone. Indeed, there is a fundamental difference between being responsible to someone vs. versus responsible for someone (assuming responsibility for them their actions and emotions).
When we take responsibility for someone else’s life, we typically assume the emotional or financial baggage they carry or in this case are not carrying. Taking on such extra weight can consume our time, money, and emotional energy and lead to self-neglect, self-abandonment, frustration, and low self-esteem in ourselves and in the other person.
Honoring our commitments and responsibilities is part of what it is to be a true grown-up, being emotionally mature. Being consciously responsible to ourselves and others means doing what we say we will do; by showing up on time, telling the truth, finishing our assignments, and providing for ourselves and giving our best to the task at hand, and owning our mistakes when we fail to act emotionally mature.
It can be challenging however, when we see a family member or close friend needing help, especially if we are in a position to give it; we may feel obligated for many reasons. In that moment it is important to ask, “Am I giving from a place of guilt or pity or am I trying to feel better about me and/or avoid conflict or disaster. Is what I offer truly helpful or does my “help” reinforce their idea of themselves as being helpless and incapable? There is the possibility that we are contributing to something that our culture dishes out subtly…entitlement. Someone owes me something.
Helping someone out of a predicament or two when they are in need can be a charitable deed. However, falling into a habit of paying their bills, repeatedly coming to their rescue, or making excuses for their poor choices is not good for them or us. When we continuously play the part of Rescuer to Victim, we are not truly helping - as a matter of fact it often results in causing more harm than good, by reinforcing a sense of helpless, hopelessness and entitlement in them.
Instead of empowering them to believe in their own capability to handle life, we render them dependent and incompetent. True support comes from allowing our friends and loved ones especially to experience the consequences of their choices; whatever they are. Maturity comes from learning from our own painful past and allowing others the same privilege. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones is to get out of God’s way and allow Him to get their attention to change their lackadaisical and/or bad choices and handle their own life challenges.
Let's look at some examples of the language we use as Rescuers on the Victim Triangle:
The Rescuer Says, or at least thinks….
· "Perhaps they can't handle it. I will need to help."
· "There could be irreparable damage if I do not step in.”
· “She/he is sick, too fragile physically, emotionally; I must help.”
We are most respectful when we refuse to treat our loved ones as if they can't handle life.
Healthy Messages to Send:
· "How you handle your life and the decisions you make is your business, not mine."
· "I trust your process and God’s process in you and your ability. I believe you can do it.”
· "I love watching God at work in your life. We all need to grow into emotionally healthy adults by making new and different healthy choices every day.”
By assuming responsibility for someone, we could find ourselves feeling resentful, tired, and fearful the other person will be angry with me. We might even begin to avoid that person or dread contact fearful they will pressure me to give something that will again find me taking care of something that is not mine to take care of. If I am making decisions based on emotions vs logical thinking choices, then I am carrying and taking responsibility for their emotions. If I’m not an emotionally healthy person, I will acquiesce by picking up what is not mine to carry, feeling, exhausted, taken advantage of, and frustrated. This is a good indication I am making decisions from my emotional thinking brain vs my logical thinking brain.
When we take responsibility for someone else’s life, we typically assume the emotional or financial baggage they carry or in this case are not carrying. Taking on such extra weight can consume our time, money, and emotional energy and lead to self-neglect, self-abandonment, frustration, and low self-esteem in ourselves and in the other person.
Honoring our commitments and responsibilities is part of what it is to be a true grown-up, being emotionally mature. Being consciously responsible to ourselves and others means doing what we say we will do; by showing up on time, telling the truth, finishing our assignments, and providing for ourselves and giving our best to the task at hand, and owning our mistakes when we fail to act emotionally mature.
It can be challenging however, when we see a family member or close friend needing help, especially if we are in a position to give it; we may feel obligated for many reasons. In that moment it is important to ask, “Am I giving from a place of guilt or pity or am I trying to feel better about me and/or avoid conflict or disaster. Is what I offer truly helpful or does my “help” reinforce their idea of themselves as being helpless and incapable? There is the possibility that we are contributing to something that our culture dishes out subtly…entitlement. Someone owes me something.
Helping someone out of a predicament or two when they are in need can be a charitable deed. However, falling into a habit of paying their bills, repeatedly coming to their rescue, or making excuses for their poor choices is not good for them or us. When we continuously play the part of Rescuer to Victim, we are not truly helping - as a matter of fact it often results in causing more harm than good, by reinforcing a sense of helpless, hopelessness and entitlement in them.
Instead of empowering them to believe in their own capability to handle life, we render them dependent and incompetent. True support comes from allowing our friends and loved ones especially to experience the consequences of their choices; whatever they are. Maturity comes from learning from our own painful past and allowing others the same privilege. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones is to get out of God’s way and allow Him to get their attention to change their lackadaisical and/or bad choices and handle their own life challenges.
Let's look at some examples of the language we use as Rescuers on the Victim Triangle:
The Rescuer Says, or at least thinks….
· "Perhaps they can't handle it. I will need to help."
· "There could be irreparable damage if I do not step in.”
· “She/he is sick, too fragile physically, emotionally; I must help.”
We are most respectful when we refuse to treat our loved ones as if they can't handle life.
Healthy Messages to Send:
· "How you handle your life and the decisions you make is your business, not mine."
· "I trust your process and God’s process in you and your ability. I believe you can do it.”
· "I love watching God at work in your life. We all need to grow into emotionally healthy adults by making new and different healthy choices every day.”
By assuming responsibility for someone, we could find ourselves feeling resentful, tired, and fearful the other person will be angry with me. We might even begin to avoid that person or dread contact fearful they will pressure me to give something that will again find me taking care of something that is not mine to take care of. If I am making decisions based on emotions vs logical thinking choices, then I am carrying and taking responsibility for their emotions. If I’m not an emotionally healthy person, I will acquiesce by picking up what is not mine to carry, feeling, exhausted, taken advantage of, and frustrated. This is a good indication I am making decisions from my emotional thinking brain vs my logical thinking brain.
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