“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”  — Thucydides
 
This is the day we stop, take a deep breath and acknowledge all those who have sacrificed in untold ways so we might enjoy the freedoms they purchased by their blood.  Some gave up everything…totally and completely… everything.  Some sacrificed life, as they knew it, willing to answer the call, knowing the dangers they faced, but putting those fears aside to serve and preserve our great nation and our freedoms.  They paid a debt we can never repay.  We must pledge to remember, and pledge to thank them.

Maturity is the goal for each of us from infancy to adulthood, but growing up to adult stature is not a guarantee of maturity.  We all begin our life dependent. 

• Dependence says, “I need you.”  It’s the paradigm of “you.”  You take care of me; you come through for me.  You didn’t come through for me; I blame you for this problem.  
• The next level is independence.  It’s the paradigm of “I.”  I can do this, I don’t need you, I’m responsible; I’m self-reliant.  I don’t need anyone. 
• On the other hand, interdependence is a healthy combination of the two.  It is a paradigm of “we.”  Interdependence is a realization that life works better when we are involved in healthy relationships with others.  Interdependence says we can do this, we can cooperate, and we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together than we could alone. 

 
God created us to live in community.  The very first thing God pronounced as not good is in Gen. 2:18 when He stated, “It is not good for man to be alone;” therefore He never intended for us to do life alone.  God created us in love, for love and to be loved.  We can blame our lineage, parents, grandparents, or our environment at any given moment…a spouse, a boss, a coworker, children, teenagers, health, financial issues…these are responsible for my situation and my misery.  “If it wasn’t for this, that, or them…things would be just fine!”
 

 
Christmas was especially difficult this year.  I am in mourning again as I mourn the loss of my dearest and oldest friend. She passed this last year. I’ve known this lady for 45 years.  I met her shortly after I met my husband.  He adored her and I learned to love her as well.  Her name is Janette and she is my husband’s mother.  There is a bond between us that cannot be described with words.  I’ve tried, and there are none that can describe the bond we had.  It’s funny; we had nothing in common really, except that she and I loved the same man, her son…my husband. 

She taught me so much.  I can’t imagine what it would have been like to get a telegram from the U.S. government stating your son is wounded, possibly near death,  describing his injuries, with him being thousands of miles away on the other side of the world and her being at the mercy of the government to keep her informed. I can’t imagine. 

I remember one day after we were married, Gene and I had some sort of stupid argument.  His heart was so broken and wounded from all that he had experienced in Viet Nam that he had encapsulated his heart in a bubble unconsciously vowing that no one would ever hurt him again.  Thus, I was not in his inner circle.  Mom knew this.  One day we were standing outside in her driveway and she said, “Carol, just want you to know, Tunny (his family nickname) loves you, he just doesn’t want you to know that!”   What? That seemed so foreign to me, but as years went on, I understood.  He just couldn’t open his heart again and be vulnerable for fear of being hurt...again. Losing hurts too badly.  She realized that and she encouraged me that he really did care about me, he was just unable to  let me inside his bubble.  It took a while but he did open his heart and we forged a love that was strong even though Satan attempted to destroy our love and us…by the grace of God, we overcame.  Thank you Jesus.
 
I remember the day I started calling her mom.  I didn’t ask her if I could…perhaps I should have.  It felt a little awkward at first, but she didn’t hesitate to respond, and she was “Mom” from that day forward. 
 
But this day we laid her to rest, March 13, 2015.  I was fortunate to have several women in my life besides my own mother.  I was very close to my paternal grandmother, Mother, we called her.  She babysat for us while my parents worked, and they worked a lot.  She never showed favorites, but we did have that kind of relationship.  I shared a bedroom with her after she moved in with us.  Those were special times.  When I would spend the night with her as a child we lay in bed as long as I could stay awake and she would tell me Bible stories.  So we had lots of talks in the dark after the lights were out.  She made an unbelievable impression on my heart.  She contracted shingles in her eyes and couldn’t read her Bible any longer.  She wanted us girls to read to her.  I did for a long time, and then I got busy with other things that would distract a 15 year old.  Then when she passed, I really felt guilty for not taking the time to be with her.  I remember the heavy guilt I experienced as I longed for her and as I got older, I remember saying, “Wow! I wish I could have just one more conversation with her. 
 
I also was fortunate enough to have a close relationship with my maternal grandmother as well. I called her Ma-Maw.  We lived with her for awhile, but before that, I spent the summer of my 12th year with her. I had a two year old sister and since my mother worked, I was going to be responsible for her for the entire summer.  My maternal grandmother didn’t want me to have that responsibility, so she had my parents bring me and my two year old sister down to spend the summer with her.  It was that summer that God spoke to me and impressed on my heart to be a counselor.
 
Then there was Gene’s mom.  I like to think I learned from my mistake with my paternal grandmother.  So, after Gene passed, I made a point to take care of Mom the way I think he would have wanted me to.  But most importantly, I made time to go see her frequently.  I would drive down on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and spend two or three hours just sitting with her and talking. We could talk for hours about any and everything:  life, politics, bible, Jesus, God, and whatever else was going on in our world.  We didn’t always see eye to eye on everything, but we respected one another  in our difference of opinions. 
 
So, I find myself missing her terribly.  I hear myself saying….”I wish I had just one more conversation with her.”  The difference is this time  it is said without regret…only a longing to spend one more long, lazy afternoon with her sharing life together; that woman I bonded with, probably stronger than my own mother, the bond that was forged by loving the same man.
 
What else do I have to say?  Time is short and this may be the only day you will have to tell your loved ones that you love them and spend a few minutes with them.  Take the opportunity.  Grief will scream at you when you lose that special one, but it will scream much louder if there is guilt associated with it.  Make the most of your moments.  Forget those petty disagreements that really don’t amount to anything and it isn’t worth the separation of a broken relationship.  Love one another and take the time to say it…frequently. Do those things that convey that love. That’s what Jesus gave his life for.  That’s why his blood was shed…to cover the pain and hurt of a broken relationship.  He is in the restoration business.  Be intentional and seize the moment…when it is gone, it can never be recaptured. 
God bless you as you choose life.
 
 
 

It is an interesting journey
One filled with ups and downs
One filled with desire and longing
One filled with brokenness and pain
One filled with broken, and shattered dreams and expectations
My heart longs for the fulfillment of my dream
My desire
My longing 
Longing to be loved
Longing to be touched deeply
Longing to be
All that I was meant to be
When my desire awakens and my heart reaches out for it
It seems to be just beyond my reach…always
It is out there
Out there somewhere
Somewhere…Somewhere, where I cannot reach
It is as if I’m grasping air
My heart aches and my tears fall and my anxiety rises
I twist and turn and think and groan
My mind is torn and goes up and down back and forth
Attempting to figure out how I can get what my longing heart desires…
My dream
I play chess every day, all day
I manipulate and maneuver everything that is manipuable, or maneuverable!
I figure and I constantly rearrange and try to figure this or that.
I cry and fret, and hurt, and question why, how, and what next…Until I am exhausted. 
They say chess players go crazy…
I discover I cannot make anything happen and I’m killing myself
Dying a slow death from the inside out…starving…choking…gasping for air.
Something happens.  I make a move… I step into a forbidden area to achieve my heart’s desire, my goal.
I sit back and feel smug that I have now accomplished a maneuver, I played chess well today…
Or so I thought.
The event comes back to haunt me.
I was called out
God put his finger in my chest and said “You did this!”  Then I realize the reality of my decision.  It isn’t my action that was so wrong…although it was
It was much more the condition of my heart.
I just became “Sarah.”
We all wonder how could Sarah do what she did?
How could she give Abraham her hand maiden to produce a child God said she would have?
Just look in the mirror Dear.  You did it.  You not only did it, you have done it numerous times before…
You just never saw it for what it really was…manipulation,
Maneuvering life, playing chess, and most of all not trusting God.  You think that you can move that mountain?  Think again.  You don’t move the mountain…God does.
Desire. Desire drives us and when we don’t get our desire we fall on our face and kick, scream and cry at God for his lack of attention to us.
With enough blame to sink a ship!
And God will continue to let me kick and scream until I kick and scream myself to the point of exhaustion. 
Now God is able to speak because maybe, just maybe, I’m quiet enough to listen.
Enter God…
He asks… “Are you done?” 
God's question slaps me in the face with my actions
Sort of like when he asked Adam, "Where are you?"
With my unbelief
With my chess playing manipulating mentality
With my lack of trust
Suddenly I am thrown backwards.  Flat on my back…with no place to look but upward.
Suddenly I sense something I’ve not felt before!
And I find myself unplugged…unplugged from the situation and aware that I’m unplugged
What is this?  Strange indeed!
I’m unplugged.  I don’t care.  But I do care…But I don’t care.
I lay it down.  Lay my burdens down.  Suddenly I feel such a sense of release.
The air is going out of my striving heart!
I am no longer struggling, fearful…no longer striving!
I’m reminded again…be still!  Cease striving and know that God is God!
How often do I not cease the striving…how often am I really still?
Still long enough to hear what he wants to say to me
What he wants to do with me
What he wants to do in me…in my circumstances.
I release my hold, my grip on what I want. I release my hold, my grip on what I think I deserve, and what I believe should be.  I let go…I’m still standing in the same place, but I’m different.
My circumstances have not changed…there is still difficulty and frustration, but I’m changed.  God has taken my burden.  He took my burden because I opened my hand and let it go.  God won’t wrestle my burden out of my hands, but he will most assuredly take it when I give it to him.  Thank you Jesus.  I am reminded of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace.  They were free.  They were no longer bound up…free and walking around with Jesus in the midst of the fire with them…free and walking around.  Jesus took my burden.  Come to me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  My yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Yes, indeed it is.  Let it go.  I give you my dream.  I release the hold I have on my dream...and I give it to you Dear God…take my burden and give me yours instead.
FREEDOM!  Thank you Jesus for setting me free.  Free from me. 
 
I long for more of you.  I long to feel your touch.  I long to hear your voice.  I long to be led by you.  Hallelujah…I long…I long for heaven.  Yes, indeed I do…but I know that you are in charge of that…and my family, so I put that longing on hold and I’ll wait until the time is right for me to leave.  I will be content.  I am content.  I sit in contentment.  I’m free in my desire to be who you called me to be.  No more Striving…
Thank you Jesus…You are indeed Lord.
And I am Yours....
 
September 15, 2015

Grief is loud
   Very loud
It only looks quiet
  Around others…
      As I hold it at bay
But grief is very loud
  It screams in my ears!
  It screams in my head!
  It screams in my heart!

My whole body is screaming
Every fiber of my being screams in grief
   Deep, agonizing, gut-wrenching grief
Grief is relentless
  Does it ever end?
If so, someone please tell me when.
I’m ready

Not ready to forget my love
But ready for the pain in my heart to stop
My heart is broken in half
It is blown apart
  Blood is gushing
I’m bleeding-out emotionally
Yes, Grief is loud
  Very, very loud
Even years later,
Sometimes, Grief is still very loud

Grief causes tears to fall
Grief causes my voice to scream
Grief causes my body to wrack in pain
Grief causes my brain to ask “Why?”
But grief lends no understanding
Grief brings confusion
   Sadness
   Frustration
   Anger
Grief is anything but quite!
Grief is loud
    Very loud
    Very, very loud
And Grief hurts
Did I tell you, Grief hurts?

  Oh yes…it does definitely hurt
Grief is loud
Is it possible to quite it?
  How can I?
Embrace the pain…
  Feel it….every fiber of it
Hold it…
   Experience it…
   Notice it…
And let God hold you
While you comfort the birth of this new baby
…Grief
Grief is loud…

The year was 1968, the month was December. Sgt. Greenberg was about 3 weeks short coming home from his second tour in Viet Nam. They had been in the field for a week to ten days on a Company size operation.  On December 1, the guys received their Thanksgiving meal in the field.  One of Sgt. Greenberg’s buddies from another platoon went back to get more milk when mortars and RPG’s (a rocket-propelled grenade known as rocket launcher; a shoulder-fired, anti-tank weapon system that fires rockets equipped with an explosive war head) started coming in all over them.  By the time it was over, there were 10 or 12 guys wounded and three are dead.                

Journal Entry: May 1979

Trials:

          What are trials? Trials are God’s vices of life.  A "stress test" if you will.  Have you ever had a stress test?  Do you ever feel like the very life is being squeezed out of you from the inside out?  True enough it is…squeezing your “life” out of you, that you might die to self. Scripture states that unless a seed falls to the ground and dies there can be no life.  So it is with us…we must die to our own ideas, our own way of doing things, old habits, patterns, and scripts we learned in our family of origin that we incorporated to keep us safe, or to find love…looking in all the wrong places.  Jesus says, “We must lose our life to find life so God can live His life through us.  

         

Learning to trust God is a scary proposition.  I believe if we could really get a bigger picture of who God is and how he works, through his love and compassion for us, we would have an easier time of trusting him.  This event occurred on  February 5, 1981 .  Gene had to quit work due to health problems.  We were traveling back and forth to SA for doctors appointments to try and determine the cause of dizzy, passing out spells.  This particular weekend, I had picked him up from the hospital to spend the weekend with us and he was to be back Monday morning at 8:00.  I had exactly $6.00 to my name.  Keep reading to see how God multiplied my measly $6.00  to get us to SA,  just like he multiplied the 5 loaves and  2 fish to feed 5000.

If you want to walk on water…
You gotta get out of the boat…Peter did…what prevents you from stepping out? Fear? Anger? Resentment? Lack of knowledge?   In Matt 14:22-31 we are told that Jesus sent His disciples across the lake, and after sending the crowd away, he went up to the mountain alone to pray.  We are informed that a terrible storm ensued when the disciples were right in the middle of the sea.  Scripture states that Jesus saw them struggling in the storm and came to them walking on the water.  Then of course we know what Peter said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”  Jesus did, and we are told that Peter stepped out of the boat and walked toward Jesus on top of the water, until he looked at the wind, became afraid and began to sink…so like us. Scripture tells us that Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him.  In all the years I’ve read this, I’ve read it recognizing that it magnifies the deity of Jesus as well as Peter’s quick response and then due to taking his eyes off Jesus, sinks.  I get that, but in the midst of my trials right now, I see a little more.  If you’re interested…keep reading.

If you read the last post, you read the part where I said I wanted God, but I wanted him on my terms.  I wanted him to bless my life...Gee, after all, isn't that what he said he would do?  I was in the pilot's seat, assuming he was in the Co-pilot's seat.  If you had asked me I would have looked at you like you had a hole in your head...Unfortunately, I had a hole in my heart that I was trying to fill with everything...my way.  This is a poem, God gave me during those times of learning the difficult lesson of submission through the story of the Potter's Wheel in Jeremiah.  God is God and I am not!  I'm still learning.  What about you? Click on "read more" to follow that particular journey of my heart.....